This morning I drove the girls to school and was privy to one of their sister conversations (I sometimes liken these to the bizarre kind of communication that sets of multiples have with one another. Entertaining to those around them but completely incoherent.) Occasionally during these conversations I try to stay as quiet as possible so they will just talk to each other and forget I am even there. This is how it went down.
ME: Jeez, why are there dead squirrels all over the place this morning? (because there were, it was weird.)
MIA: How can you tell if a squirrel is a boy or a girl?
(I became temporarily frozen in that moment of deliberation where a parent has to determine, rather quickly, what to say and how much...good thing Haley saved the day and I didn't have to bother.)
HALEY: The girls have flowers in their hair.
ABBY: And the boys are holding guns.
MIA: Oh.
Mia, apparently, is a much easier crowd to satisfy than some of my other kids.
On the other hand, I may need to brush up on the talk I had with Haley and Abby a couple of years ago. Did I ever tell you about that? Allow me to share.
I had been having the thought for a while that it was time to have "the talk" with the girls. That feeling came very strongly one day, as in "have the talk NOW" so I decided to listen to the prompting and proceeded with the educating of my kids on the delicate matters of things.
Haley and Abby are less than two years apart so I felt as though it should be done with them together since one hardly knows anything without the other soon finding out. I kept fighting the feeling because they were soooo young but I am also of the strong opinion that it has to be done much earlier nowadays than it used to.
Forget the maturation talk for now, pear shaped organs, cycles, eggs and all that jazz, we were moving on to the big guns. The "S" word. I thought, if I have chosen to send my children out into the world each day to learn and experience and grow and distinguish between right and wrong, good and bad then I should prepare them with the knowledge they should be getting at home. A friend recommended a good book. I went to go buy it. Of course I couldn't locate it on my own so I casually walked up to the info counter and asked him to look up "The Amazing You". He looked. "Oh" he says quietly, and then in an escalating tone so as to be heard by every person waiting in line behind me, "The Amazing you, getting smart about your private parts?!" He was practically yelling by the end. "Yes. That would be the one" I replied. He directed me where to find it.
I had my half day kindergartner with me who was going to be one of the recipients of this new knowledge. When we got up to the counter to pay for the book she sweetly and excitedly looked at the cashier and stated "We get to stay up late tonight for a special talk." I told him "She has no idea...."
He wasn't as amused as I thought he should be. I had called my sister earlier in the day to practice saying all the words out loud to avoid any parental blushing or giggling during the actual talk. You know, the words that only mature people and doctors say. I got it all out of my system because as we all know, I am neither mature, nor a doctor.
It went over well. There was minimal giggling and plenty of questions. It was thorough but age appropriate (as appropriate as that topic can be for a kindergartner and second grader.)
I hope that they will have an understanding and respect for the subject matter enough to know that kids joking about it is not that funny and its not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I don't deny that they will hear snippits of random things here and there in the world that we live in but I want to be the primary source of information like that. And I want them to be comfortable coming to me with questions and concerns of that nature, of any nature I hope.
In any case, watch out for the squirrels today, both those that don't look both ways before crossing the street and the ones holding guns.
(I hope you all find it as entertaining and bizarre as I did, that I could google "squirrel holding a gun" and have so many options.)
ME: Jeez, why are there dead squirrels all over the place this morning? (because there were, it was weird.)
MIA: How can you tell if a squirrel is a boy or a girl?
(I became temporarily frozen in that moment of deliberation where a parent has to determine, rather quickly, what to say and how much...good thing Haley saved the day and I didn't have to bother.)
HALEY: The girls have flowers in their hair.
ABBY: And the boys are holding guns.
MIA: Oh.
Mia, apparently, is a much easier crowd to satisfy than some of my other kids.
On the other hand, I may need to brush up on the talk I had with Haley and Abby a couple of years ago. Did I ever tell you about that? Allow me to share.
I had been having the thought for a while that it was time to have "the talk" with the girls. That feeling came very strongly one day, as in "have the talk NOW" so I decided to listen to the prompting and proceeded with the educating of my kids on the delicate matters of things.
Haley and Abby are less than two years apart so I felt as though it should be done with them together since one hardly knows anything without the other soon finding out. I kept fighting the feeling because they were soooo young but I am also of the strong opinion that it has to be done much earlier nowadays than it used to.
Forget the maturation talk for now, pear shaped organs, cycles, eggs and all that jazz, we were moving on to the big guns. The "S" word. I thought, if I have chosen to send my children out into the world each day to learn and experience and grow and distinguish between right and wrong, good and bad then I should prepare them with the knowledge they should be getting at home. A friend recommended a good book. I went to go buy it. Of course I couldn't locate it on my own so I casually walked up to the info counter and asked him to look up "The Amazing You". He looked. "Oh" he says quietly, and then in an escalating tone so as to be heard by every person waiting in line behind me, "The Amazing you, getting smart about your private parts?!" He was practically yelling by the end. "Yes. That would be the one" I replied. He directed me where to find it.
I had my half day kindergartner with me who was going to be one of the recipients of this new knowledge. When we got up to the counter to pay for the book she sweetly and excitedly looked at the cashier and stated "We get to stay up late tonight for a special talk." I told him "She has no idea...."
He wasn't as amused as I thought he should be. I had called my sister earlier in the day to practice saying all the words out loud to avoid any parental blushing or giggling during the actual talk. You know, the words that only mature people and doctors say. I got it all out of my system because as we all know, I am neither mature, nor a doctor.
It went over well. There was minimal giggling and plenty of questions. It was thorough but age appropriate (as appropriate as that topic can be for a kindergartner and second grader.)
I hope that they will have an understanding and respect for the subject matter enough to know that kids joking about it is not that funny and its not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I don't deny that they will hear snippits of random things here and there in the world that we live in but I want to be the primary source of information like that. And I want them to be comfortable coming to me with questions and concerns of that nature, of any nature I hope.
In any case, watch out for the squirrels today, both those that don't look both ways before crossing the street and the ones holding guns.
16 comments:
Emily, I laughed out loud thinking about you saying all of "those" words to Abby??? I'm guessing. Also your comment about being neither mature, or a Dr. You always make me laugh. Yes, the squirrel with the gun? You really can find anything on the internet can't you? :)
Wouldn't it be awkward if I really were Matt. :) Or am I?
Will you have "the talk" with the rest of my group, pleeeeease? We could have a skype/conference call on the nuts and bolt of physical intimacy, that way when a child as, "so you did that?" it will be you who answers and not a blushing me.
And I was the one who taught your children the difference between squirrel boys and girls.
That was not Mike! Man, he sure messes me up sometimes!
HAHAHAHHA I can't say that I have laughed out loud reading blogs before..but that was overall just flat out hilarious! I love children's logic! I think that's half the fun of being a teacher..listening to their bizarre rationale about why things are the way that they are. I am very impressed that you made it through 'the talk'..the thought of that makes me shiver! And like you--I do not use the proper terms nor am I sure my mouth has the capacity to FORM those words..you may have to be my go-to-girl when the time comes!
I'm seriously laughing out loud right now...I don't know what was funnier...the squirrel holding a gun, squirrels wearing bows, or you saying the "private" words out loud in preparation for "the talk". Oh, I'm going back to look at that picture of the squirrel...
Your posts are always very entertaining but this one may have won the equvalent of an academy award for posts! I wish I could have a been a squirrel (wearing a flower) on the wall when you practiced your speech with Babs and even more so when you had THE TALK with the girls. Who knows, I may even have learned something!
That was so, so very good. I wish I could explain things as simply as my kids want them to be - bows or guns - I'll have to remember that one and the picture is leaving me in stitches! Why is there a picture of that on google? I am proud of you for being mature enough to have the talk and buy a book about it from a silly guy at the book store. Why does it always work out to be so embarrassing?
Oh good. I will send my children to you for "the talk." But I want to criticize you for something else--"watch out for the squirrels with guns?" How sexist. What about the squirrels with flowers? Are they not dangerous too?
But where are the pictures of squirrels with flowers in their hair? You can't tell me they have pictures of gun-wielding squirrels, but not darling, dressed up squirrels out there.
My favorite line from this whole thing:
"I am neither mature, nor a doctor."
I don't know why, but you are so funny to me. I would much rather say all of those awkward words to my kids than call up a sister and say them over the phone. You are so silly. Good for you for listening to that prompting. I also think it is so important they learn these things from us and not the world. And yes, at a very early age. Good job, Em!
I have to admit that I have never followed any blogs before, but I anxiously await each new post from you! Here I am laughting out loud about "the talk". I find it especially intriguing because I'm reading "Ten Talks Parents must have with their Children About Sex and Character". I know, it sounds like a real page turner, right? ;). I've been thinking myself that i need to have this talk very soon, but am realizing that after Emily sees Haley on Monday, I may not have to!!! Can I just send all three of mine over to your house one day next week..... please. Since you've already done the practicing on the phone with your sister, AND had the conversation you could just have a little side business? Just kidding, but I'm now motivated....The Eden kids will be well educated on the birds & the bee's and the squirrels by the end of next week! By the way, you had my practically in tears (the laughing kind) with the comment about the gun-yielding squirrel. Love it!
Emily, you crack me up! Thanks for always writing, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog....my second grader just asked two days ago, "but mom how do the babies actually get inside your tummy, they don't just magically start growing there", it's time....maybe I will go check out that book you recommended.
I just caught up on all your blog. It always warms my heart to read it. I'm so way proud of you and finishing your race. I am so far from anything like that right now. And the squirrel with the gun--hilarious! I'm cracking up imagining the scene at the bookstore. I'm going to go google squirrels with flowers now.
Aah! The talk. I am not ready yet. Mostly because I don't have a fabulous embarrassing book yet, so I'm glad you gave me a good suggestion. I can't believe I have missed so much while I was gone.
Here's to catching up and squirrels with guns. Yes, we googled it too.
We certainly do live in a bizarre kind of world when mothers have to talk to their 5 years old about sex AND you can instantly view several pictures of a squirrel wielding a gun!
I had "the talk" with own girls at much earlier age than I would have even imagined. Like you, I knew they would be hearing it from less savory and inaccurate sources, so I followed "that prompting".
My husbands thinks blog are a totally "chic thing" but I always pass your good ones along to him.
This one will be no exception
Cheers
I practice the word saying, too. And I always cringe when my kids "get" a wise crack I assumed would be over their head.
I might try the girls with flowers, boys with guns squirrel direction for our next "talk" with the kids, but knowing my kids I'd then have to explain hermaphrodites or something (you know because the squirrel had neither gun or flower).
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