Torn.

Life's big decisions give me anxiety.
Is that stating the obvious?

We are approaching a crossroads.  A major crossroads.
Clark is finally getting out of the Navy.  I say finally because we have almost left the Navy several times.  But it keeps hooking us in.

Not this time.

He is beginning the process of finding a  job.  It's a bit scary and let me tell you why.

First of all, he has been in the Navy for as long as we've been married, even before then.  It's all we've known.  It's all we've done.  We figure it will feel a little bit like being kicked out of our parent's house and living on our own for the first time.  There will be all sorts of firsts that shouldn't be firsts after running a household for 13 years.

I am not worried about him finding a job. Luckily Clark is in a field that is pretty marketable and has not suffered much of a hit.  I am confident in him being hired.  The question is WHERE?
The Navy has always been kind enough to narrow it down for us (or give us no choice at all.)
We have been happy everywhere.  Not to say that every place has been perfect, or ideal, but we have been happy.  I know that part of that has come from knowing that no matter what, it was temporary.  Some moves have been easier than others.  Meaning, leaving some places has not been that difficult.  But I am having a wind-dinger of a time thinking about saying good-bye to this place.
I really like it here.  I don't love our house.  I don't dislike it, but it is far from our "dream home".
But I really like it here, in Northern Virginia.  I LOVE our neighborhood.  I LOVE our school.  I LOVE our city (both immediate and DC just a short jaunt away.)  I LOVE our church ward.  I LOVE my friends.  I even love my grocery store, is that so wrong?
What I don't love is the cost of living, the traffic, the congestion of people everywhere.
I can't seem to separate my feelings of really loving all of those things and how that translates into getting a job that would allow us to finally settle somewhere and sink some roots.  Question is, how would settling here affect our long term?  I hate that it comes down to one thing that is seemingly so materialistic but really the financial side is a huge driver when you talk about finally buying a home and making it ours, saving for retirement and settling into a long term lifestyle for us and the kids.  Let's face it, our bucks would go a heck of a lot further in some other locations.  But this location has so much to offer. 
The other problem is this.  If we try to stay in the area, I would want to stay in this area, within all of those "loved" boundaries that I listed above.  But the rub is this, we can't really afford a house that comfortably fits a family of 7 in this area (at least one that wasn't built 50 years ago and needing all sorts of updating.)
It is a true dilemma.  I am grateful to know that I have the tools to make a decision, the right decision.  It's just so hard to not allow emotion to get in the way of it all.  Emotions certainly play a part, they just can't take the lead.

So do we stay here?  Do we go back to the great state of Texas?  Do we take a gamble and start somewhere new?  I recognize that it really comes down to who offers us a job, but we will have to start somewhere.

Wish us luck.

And just for fun, let's list all of the places we have lived in those nearly 13 years of marriage.  Just don't ask for any addresses...it will be like the time I was trying to rent a car and stared blankly at the clerk when he asked for my address.  We had moved so many times, and so recently, that I honestly had no clue, no clue at all.
As an engaged couple:
Annapolis, Maryland
Married:
Houston, Texas
Charleston, South Carolina
Goose Creek, South Carolina
Groton, Connecticut
Silverdale, Washington
Chesapeake, Virginia
Tomball, Texas
Groton, Connecticut
Bountiful, Utah
Oakdale, Connecticut
Fairfax Station, Virginia
???????

Crickets.

That's what I hear.  My head is usually swirling with what's next on my list...and yet if you stopped me and asked me a specific question it would take some time before I could get a coherent answer out. Other times, there's nothing.  Not a thought.  Just quiet.  I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I feel changed.  I'm not quite sure what that means but I know that changes have taken place over the last year.  Good?  Bad?  I can't really say.  Maybe it's more of an evolution.  I can't say that it has been all that pleasant, or unpleasant.  But I recognize that something is different about me.   
In any case, there has been a lot of introspective thinking going on. 
A lot of cleaning. 
A lot of not cleaning. 
A lot of kids. 
And sometimes a lot of nothing, which consequently still feels very full and busy. 
It took me 6 months to not feel so tired I just wanted to climb back in bed everyday but I am getting there.  Some days I am still just exhausted but I love my life.  I am grateful for it.  It really, truly and honestly could not be any better -  meaning things aren't perfect and we definitely have our struggles and our heartache and trial but I wouldn't trade my bag of problems for anyone else's.  I got this.
Even with all this "self-evolving" going on, we still have all the normal stuff too.  Except that my kids are getting older.  My biggest wish for the last couple of years has been to get all, and I mean ALL of our home movies onto DVD.  It is my project for 2013.  I have purchased the equipment to finally do it and it will get done (even though when I went to purchase the needed software, I was told my old video camera was indeed, very old.  Yes, thank you.  I am aware. Finding the right kind of hookups was tricky.)  I have about 4 different types of media from which to collaborate these home movies and I want it done in an orderly fashion.  It means that I have been watching a lot of home movies and reminiscing lots and lots.  The conclusion that I have come to is, my kids used to be really super cute.
I kid.  They are still really super cute.  Sometimes I worry, will I like them as much as teenagers?  I have really, REALLY liked them little.  And it's making me appreciate even more, that we are dealing with our present issues because someday I know I will long for these kinds of issues.
'sigh'
My goal for years has been to stay focused on the moment.  To live it and love it and appreciate it for what it is, because someday it will be gone.
So far, so good.
Moving on.

Hazel had a black eye.  I think 99% of all injuries incurred in our home are self inflicted.  It typically somehow involves a sibling, but ultimately they only have themselves to blame.  Hazel and Abby were arguing when Hazel somehow slammed her face against the desk.  Her story sounded totally made up, but whatcha gonna do?

One of the things that I absolutely love love love about our time here is that Clark is here.  He travels still, quite a bit, but ultimately he is here.  And I am taking full advantage.  I have never allowed myself to ask him to take so much time off before.  He helps out whenever he can to facilitate me having opportunities that I just haven't had before.  He has taken days off to go with the girls on field trips-they love it.  And last week, he took the day off so that I could accompany Haley and her class on a field trip to the National Portrait Gallery.  Haley absolutely craves one on one time with me and Clark so I was only too happy to oblige since I really wanted to visit the portrait gallery and ride on a school bus.  Oh wait, just the first thing.

It was fascinating and beautiful and amazing.  I need to go back, with the entire family, and then again by myself.

I absolutely love having kids.  There used to be a time when getting bored and needing a change meant cutting my own hair.  Now I can wake up one morning, decide that I'm bored, need a change, ask who wants their hair cut and immediately get a taker.  On this particular morning, Hazel was the only one home and so she was happy to oblige.  Her hair was getting crazy long anyway.

What?! You need an explanation?  You have no imagination at all.  Hazel was in a bad mood and refusing to come to the dinner table so I cut holes in a waffle box and she came willingly.
Do you think that will work when they are in high school?  Knowing my children, it probably will.

Jonah is a happy soul.  Even when he is grumpy, he is happy.  He just cut his first tooth this weekend.  He is cranky for all of two seconds and then happy as can be again.  I love him and cannot believe that he is already 7 months old.  I cannot resist taking pictures from behind his line of adoring fans.  He has so much positive reinforcement...it could either end really well, or really bad when they all grow up and leave the house and I am left with a sullen teenage boy who sulks because no one cheers when he poops.

He is getting close to crawling.  I am OK with the stage he is at.  I love being able to sit a baby down where they can play and be happy, without moving.

And he wore a tie.  Do I really need to say more? (besides excusing the fact that I allowed Clark to take a picture during church? tsk. tsk....it was worth it.)

I went to the temple today by myself.  It was frigid outside but it centered me and made me feel happy and content.  I am grateful for friends that made it possible.  Today was the 13 year anniversary of my first time going through the temple.  And it was this very temple.  So today was special for me.

Occasionally I still take pictures of my kids sleeping.  Because it's entertaining.

And this I just had to document because Clark knew that if he set his shorts on my sewing table, they might still be sitting there next month, along with his sweater that I said I would fix last month.  He was sewing the crotch.  So it was doubly funny.  He was sewing.  The crotch.  Crotch is a funny word.

And so is my life. 
A little fun. 
A little interesting. 
A little rough. 
A lot of happy and good.

2013, I dig it.

There are certain dates that I just don't like to write.  2010 I loved, nice and round.  2011, too awkward and 2012, eh.  But 2013 I can get behind.  That being said, let's just see what we've been up to, shall we?
One week in and I am feeling pretty good.  I mean, we've got the typical amount of bickering, whining and general "untidiness" going on but I have 5 healthy children, one of which is a baby whose sleeping habits are remarkably better than they were a month ago.  And I'll take that.  (It sure doesn't explain why I didn't sleep last night though...oh wait, that would be the three OTHER children that kept trying to climb into our bed all night.)
Christmas break is over.  We didn't go anywhere and it was wonderful.  We played with friends and ate yummy food and hung around our house playing games and watching movies.
On New Year's day, the last day of the break for us, we got up and went to breakfast together and then headed downtown to a museum.  I love winter in DC because you get the city to yourself.  Summer is just crazy with tourists, crazy and crowded.  Winter is slow paced and roomy.  Being a Tuesday, we hit up the Natural History Museum for their free admission to the butterfly exhibit, always a favorite.

Haley was the only lucky recipient of a butterfly landing.  Mia and Abby must have sat on the ledge perfectly still for 10 minutes waiting - the butterflies were keeping their distance.

Outside, I was completely entertained by Abby.  Who needs a dog when you have kids?  She was chasing squirrels up trees.  It was kind of hilarious.

REWIND:
Remember last month when it was Christmas?  That was a good time too.  It was very low key this year with no extended family or friends on Christmas Eve.  Just us.  We had our traditional julboard, albeit a simple one with meatballs and potato casserole.  Then we read Luke 2 and acted out the nativity.  Baby Jesus was super comfy in his rubbermaid bin.  Ignore the bear, tiger and cat that are in there with him...they are supposed to be sheep.  I particularly liked the paper indicating his location: Bethlehem.

The kids got new jammies and then it was off to bed where they continued with one of my favorite family traditions growing up, sleeping in the same room after the oldest reads Christmas stories.

 I love Christmas (almost as much as I love my red polka dot wrapping paper.)

Clark and I like to make them wait on the stairs Christmas morning as long as possible...until they can't take it anymore.

Sibling gifts are my favorite.  The girls each had a chance to earn special Christmas bucks in December to pay for gifts for their family.  They were so excited, it was the best part.

You know that you have officially "arrived" as a mother and homemaker, when you get practical things for Christmas, and it makes you happy.  Clark is especially talented at wrapping said gifts.  It reminds me of the year that he got me a new purse and wrapped all up it looked exactly like, a purse, with the handles and everything.

I'm especially talented at making funny shirts (that I copied from somewhere else) for my husband...my boring husband who pretty much just wanted exercise stuff and books.

I think Jonah's favorite gift was Chewbacca.  He makes wookie noises when you push his stomach.  He and Jonah communicate remarkably well.  And it makes him laugh.  Which makes us laugh.

I have spent the last month getting back into projects again.  I like projects.  Projects are fun.  They allow me to totally neglect other things that I don't feel like doing, to make something fun, or pretty.  I did a lot for Christmas.  My big gift this year was a new Silhouette Cameo machine.  I am in love.  You can do anything and everything on it.  And I have.  Though not all things pictured were done on the machine, I still talk to it like it's my best friend while I am working in the office here (but not really.)

I cannot believe that we are almost half way through the school year.  Time is flying by as usual.  I have hit the significant "6 month mark" of post baby where certain aspects of my life start to fall back into place.  The transition with this baby has been very different than the others, some ways better and some ways harder.  But we are finding our new normal just in time for that normal to change in a few months when Clark transitions out of the Navy.  2013 is going to be another big year for us, and I think we are ready.

And now I would like to end with the common occurrence of skyping with my sister Abby.  It usually ends with a kids on the desk and my sister peeking her head around them.  And then someone gets into the markers or smears something on the kitchen floor and we have to say goodbye.