My Brain: Temporarily Out of Service

I began tonight by googling "image of a brain on the floor". I was looking for a picture of a slippery, slimy, human brain lying right there, on the floor...any floor would do.
I lay in bed panicking some nights...panicking is perhaps not the right word...it's more of a stupor, actually.
what did I say?
why did I say that?
did I forget to tell them Thank You?
why did I do it that way?
......................................................(that's the silence that occurs when sometimes I can't grasp any thought at all.)

I am just not myself, you see. This seems to have gone on for some time now. Months. Reader's Digest would have me convinced that it's Sleep Apnea, though next week I may read an article that tells me it's a lack of fiber or the right kind of vitamin in my cereal...or stress or too much sun...or not enough exercise.

So I am sending out this umbrella apology right now.
If I have neglected to call you...I'm sorry.
If I have not commented on your blog in some time...I'm sorry.
If I forgot to ask you how something went that I knew was happening...I am so sorry.
If I didn't tell you something nice that I thought in my head...I really am sorry.
If I missed your birthday or forgot to even call at all...I'm sorry.
If I said I would do something and then forgot altogether...I am very sorry.
If I acted aloof I really didn't mean to.

You don't have to tell me "it's OK". I know you understand. I just hope you haven't taken it personally and I hope that you will still rely on me and count me in.
It will resolve itself eventually...won't it?
I do care, I really really do.

The other day I couldn't remember what 8 times 5 is. Basic multiplication tables people. And the 5's...they are the easy ones to remember!
Our school mornings are disjointed and staccato...no more smooth operating as I make lunches and snacks, and slide it all into the right bags with corresponding folders, homework and library books (on the right days.) I've been this way since January.
Maybe it's a glitch in my brain caused by the fact that I haven't yet purchased new postage stamps since the price went up and I am subconsciously afraid that I will try to mail something with an old stamp...gasp!
I am finding old school papers at the bottom of stacks that I set aside to "look at later" only to find that it's a couple of days too late.
It's like the old me could spin 12 plates on tall poles while painting my nails and reading a book to the kids and now I am sitting on the floor staring at one plate in my hands and trying to remember if I ate breakfast...also the plate is probably dirty (figuratively speaking folks.)

To say I have lost my groove would be a gross understatement. It has checked out...only temporarily I hope. And it seems to be getting worse.

Groove...if you are out there...please come back. I miss you somethin' fierce.

A really long travelogue...

I have been busy. So busy in fact, that I haven't even had time to sit down and write anything. We have moved from one thing to another and today I stopped long enough to clean my house and check my e mail. I even had a friend call me to make sure I hadn't officially moved out of the country or checked myself into any kind of psyche ward. I can assure you that I haven't, yet.
Also, our internet has been shady at best for the last three weeks so I tried to avoid it altogether because the frustration of finding or holding a signal has just been too much. However, last night Clark was able to find just the right position for the receiver that it is working a little better...he just has to stand on his head with three fingers in his left nostril while a daughter perches on his right knee holding a wad of tin foil in the shape of a goose.First of all, the girls are all taking swim lessons. Haley and Abby have soared to level three already and they are all doing amazing. AND they have to wear swim caps. I love it, really and truly.
Clark came home from a little underway a couple of weeks ago...we kissed quickly and waved as I passed him the girls and headed to the airport where I went to Washington, D.C. for approximately 36 hours and then came home. My little brother Spencer was graduating from Georgetown with his masters and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to support him and tell him that he is awesome and smart (and that his wife is wonderful for helping get him through!) And we got to eat at my new favorite place, Chop't where salads fall from the heavens...besides all the cool people I got to hang out with, that lunch was worth the trip...also my family may or may not have an obsession with taking pictures of food.PS Georgetown is pretty much just awesome and beautiful and even though we sat through a commencement speech that was way too long and had nothing to do with commencing anything, the weather was perfect and the company a joy.My parents were there and I brought Hazel with me. We ate delicious food and spent quality time together for all 36 of those hours.
Sho took us to a scrumptious restaurant for authentic Japanese cuisine. It was yum. I think the waitresses were on to me because she asked in a concerned voice half way through the meal if I wanted a fork. Here is my chopstick tutorial.

Example #1: The Awkward Pinching Method

Example #2: The Stabbing Method

Example #3: I Am A Foreigner And I've Given Up Method

Example #4: Do-You-See-The-White-Knuckles-And-Me-Holding-On-To-My-Food-For-Dear-Life Method

I told you we liked to take pictures of food.

Then I hurried back home to see my family and clean the house before my parents rode the train up to CT for a few days to play.
We ate at Yankee Magazine's pick for "Best Breakfast in Connecticut" in Mystic (delicious, we have already been back a second time!) and ventured up to see an Animal Topiary Garden and mansion near Newport, RI
(we gave the topiary garden only 1 and a half stars but the rest of the property was beautiful...and honestly the girls only need grass and a couple of tree swings to keep them really happy for a long time...and the weather was perfect!) We made sure to take them to our favorite walking place and our favorite ice cream place. Then my Dad spent the rest of his time here building us a vegetable garden. He did all the work but Mo and I rather enjoyed hauling the dirt in the truck and sticking the plants in the ground.Clark and I had it all planned out, all we lacked was the time so he stepped in and did it all in two days! We love it and will think of my parents and their hard work every time I look at it. I loved having them here, it just feels so natural and comfy to be with my Mom and Dad. They are easy company.

The day that my parents left Clark and I piled the girls into the car and took off for a short family getaway (to try and "replace" our lost family vacation to Disney.) (Mia is under her blanket watching a movie on the portable DVD player since the car's DVD player decided to fall out of the ceiling last week.)
I tried not to compare our trip to what we had missed and we ended up having a fabulous time at the Wolf Lodge in the Poconos in Pennsylvania. It was just far enough to feel like we were getting away but close enough that we all still liked each other by the end of the drive. It is an enormous indoor water park. Clark and I even had fun (especially if I could go the entire day without thinking about all those people in bathing suits, wet moist pool decks and warts.) It was beautiful and the girls had a blast. Abby's exclamation of "oooh my" when we walked in made it all worth it.


You can even reserve a room that has the kids' bed/bunk beds in their own "cabin" or "tent" with their very own TV. They loved that.
They also have an interactive Magiquest scavenger hunt game around the resort that the girls loved. They each had their own magic wand and had to go around searching for and collecting clues. It was cool.(Yes, they are in their pajamas..don't worry, they fit in just fine with all of the other kids that had spent so much of the day at the pool, the only time to fit in the Magiquest was after baths and pj's.)
On our drive home we swung by the Crayola Factory in Easton (we gave it two stars only because it wasn't exactly what we were expecting) and then through my old town in New Jersey where my family lived for like 15 seconds when I was 10. Can we say "lots of dead, decaying deer everywhere on the roads?"
We kept our long weekend short at the resort so that we could get home and spend a day working on the house and yard...it still needs grass but until the owner's are willing to cough up the $10,000 that it would cost, we'll just mow the weeds and extend the front bed out as far as we can. It looks great and we believe a family that works together, stays together. Also, a family that smells like mulch has to stick together because no one else will.Thanks for playing, now go take a nap.

Most possibly the sweetest kids ever born...

It should come as very little surprise that my husband was not here for Mother's Day. It's OK. I told him (after reading e mail after e mail about how bad he feels for missing all of these things here and there) that I have tucked it away into my "why worry about it" compartment reserved for Navy-induced drama, crusty-kid-faces and cold-cereal-for-dinner. Besides, I rather enjoy him trying to make things up to me...it's almost more fun than the real thing.
ANYway, I knew that Haley has been anticipating Mother's Day...she really wanted to do something so nice. This is my sweet Haley who at 14 months would toddle into the bathroom and lay her head on my back while I threw up with morning sickness...or would actually hold my hair back and get me water when I was throwing up with morning sickness two kids later...(sorry that most of my stories involve vomit...it just drives my point home that she is willing to be compassionate when she sees a need, even if it's gross.) She is sweet, as are my other daughters. Really sweet.
So I admit that I helped her out a little, after all, I didn't want the house burned down for Mother's Day or anything like that. Last night before going to bed I left the tray out on the counter with a little note that said "I like juice boxes and bagels with cream cheese or waffles maybe"...just to push her in the direction of "child appropriate food preparation".
(I have to add that no one got into bed with me all night...the entire bed to myself...that almost never happens.) I could hear very quiet creeping by 6:30 this morning and by 6:55 (a very appropriate 5 minutes before the alarm to get ready for church) my bedroom door was creaking open to the sounds of three darling girls singing "Mother I love you" and carrying a breakfast tray and handful of cards that they have been working on in secret. My heart swelled. I made them run and get my camera and do it again so I could document. How I love these girls. They are thoughtful and sweet and caring. They truly love to make other people happy and they love their mother...I know it, I feel it and I am grateful for it.

There were cards made at school, and church, and after-hours when they had been put to bed. One of my favorites is the Tupperware container with huge lips on the side...it has a bunch of small lips inside that are "kisses" from each person in the family. They are so creative.

(take a look at the bagel...that's cream cheese, in case you weren't sure...but, Haley sure knows her mother, she even put the cream cheese back in the fridge after using it! A true Mother's Day miracle.)

I loved this card from Haley. I especially love the thing she filled in the blank for Clark...it made me only slightly uncomfortable written in my 7 year old's handwriting. (Click on picture to see it up close.)

Could they be any more absolutely darling? No. The answer is, they could not...even sitting in my bed and helping me devour my bagel.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

Perhaps I suffer from bi polar disorder...or maybe I just really like the sunshine. I mean, rain doesn't make me depressed, actually I rather like it. I found out today though, that I have REALLY REALLY REALLY missed the warm sun. Maybe this week of dreary cold rain in May in Connecticut was Mother Nature's way of pouring lemon juice in the cut (meaning, this was the week that we were supposed to be soaking up sun and fun at Disneyworld...apparently Florida has had the only nice weather in the US this week.) But today the sun came out and it was a magnificent day. Not to mention that the leaves have exploded in one week all around us (as evidence by Haley's horrendous allergies...I have run her allergy medicine to her at school twice in the last week when I have forgotten...it's either that or get a call from the school nurse by 9am.) Driving down the roads to our house fills me with a renewed shout of "I love where we live". And especially because when the trees behind our house fill out with leaves, I won't be able to see all the crud in our neighbor's back yard anymore. Yeah! I try hard to focus on the leaves and not the ground lest I be reminded that we live in the "rental of the neighborhood"...the girls call it the "meadow". While everyone else has luscious green grass thickening in their yards we have a tangle of weeds and prickly stuff. The silver lining is, of course, that the "designated for grass area" is covered in dainty yellow and purple flowers. The estimate that I got from the landscaping people 6 weeks ago continues to be conveniently ignored by the property managers/owners. I mean, I have no problem looking like I live in the Clampets yard...I'm sure they were very nice people. And I do have rocking chairs...I just hope my neighbors aren't too surprised when they find my children stroking the grass in their yards and subtly scooting our sprinkler further and further onto their side of the divider line this summer.
But back to today...By the time I put the older girls on the bus this morning it was already a perfect 68 degrees so I decided I had to go somewhere to maximize my enjoyment of this gorgeous Spring day. I fed the "littles" and then we got in the car and went for a walk at my favorite walking place. Heck, it was so beautiful and I was feeling so fine that I even ran for a bit. (Shhh, don't tell my body that I am capable of doing that...I really hate it, usually.) But I do like to walk rather briskly. It is just the right kind of exercise for me (ie lazy-ish exercise hater.) The temperature was perfect! The company was delightful! The view was amazing! I mouthed the words to all my favorite iPod tunes as we made our way down the boardwalk. I was so elated that I nearly broke out into choreographed dance to Beyonce's All The Single Ladies (if you haven't watched that video, stop reading right now and google it...am I the only one that thinks she is incredible?..the video is mesmerizing, the song is catchy, the dancing incredible, the booties, "licious".)
Then Mia and I threw rocks in the clear water and we dipped our toes into the lapping waves. Delightful. Purely delightful...until I caught Hazel enjoying the sand right off her own toes.
Then for the rest of the day we played outside, ran to Lowe's with the girls to "price out" our proposed veggie garden and ended the day with our traditional Friday night family pajama party where we eat in front of a movie (tonight's added treat was an air matress...oooh, aaahh.) I love our Friday night pajama party (I believe I was inspired by Laurie and her adorable family.)
I will be reliving this day in my mind as many times as I need to get me through this winter that Connecticut just can't seem to shake once and for all. I love a good rain but it's time to bring on the sun!

The is the part of the post where I segway to:
In Other News...
I decided that I was sick of looking at Hazel's (formerly known as Haley's then Abby's then Mia's) gross grey carseat. She got it spiff-ified. I am rather impressed with myself seeing as how this was a second attempt at car-seat-covering for me (I did Abby's booster a couple of years ago but it didn't last so long...) and it took me less than two hours! (That was my unashamed pat on the back...what can I say? I enjoy my work.) I would be happy to provide a tutorial over the phone...too lazy to write it out and honestly speaking, it was pretty simple.
So here's to you Hazel, fourth child, fourth girl...you can pretend it's brand new...just don't take the cover off or you might see the crumbs that were formerly Haley's then Abby's then Mia's.....

Happy Happy Birthday Children Dear...

Abigail Hope

May 1, 2003
8 lbs. 7 oz.

I would apologize for the excessive amount of pictures, but she is just so dang cute.

Can I just copy last years "ode to my Abigail"? May has finally come around and it looks like Connecticut might finally be "warming" up to the idea of Spring. (Was that pun to much?) I'm just glad that we are not in winter coats any more...in fact, I may just put them away for the year to show my defiance at these little cold snaps here and there.

I love May because it means another birthday at our house. Little Abs turned 6. 6! I want to know at what age I stop being taken back at how old my kids are getting. Let's reminisce, shall we?
On April 30, 2003 I was 39 1/2 weeks pregnant with my second daughter. Haley had been put to bed and I was waiting for Clark to come home from something. He brought pizza. I had started having contractions pretty regularly from early evening so I got geared up for the possibility. I took a shower. More contractions. I laid down. More contractions. I drank water, more contractions...walked, everything they tell you to try to assure that it's the real deal. I was excited because I never went into labor with Haley. In fact, Abby is the ONLY one that I went into labor with. She was also my only C-section. Clark and I waited it out until they were about 5 or 6 minutes apart and headed to the hospital, dropping Haley off at our friend's house on the way. Clark wanted to drive fast and run red lights so he could be pulled over and tell the cop that he was rushing me to the hospital to have a baby (it probably wasn't that urgent but I let him have fun with it....unfortunately, we didn't pass any cops.) I had preclampsia with Abby so as soon as they checked me in I was put on magnesium. For some reason that weirded me out a little, enough that I don't remember much. I was also sick with bronchitis so I slept most of the night in a hazy fog. I just remember them being concerned with her heart rate and the presence of meconium when they broke my water. So at 6am they came in and told me that they wanted to do a C-section. I threw up. Clark and the nurse watched. I was really nervous but grateful for Clark's calming influence. We had a few moments alone and got prepared. Then I was prepped and they took me away. My memory of the whole ordeal is so foggy but I remember the feeling of the scalpel (like someone dragging a finger across my abdomen.) I had seen C-sections on TV before so I knew exactly what they were doing...including all the pulling and tugging and actual kneeling on my chest to push the baby down and out. She didn't cry right away and even when she did it was labored and stressed. I kissed her on the cheek and they whisked her away with Clark trailing behind to be with her. It was scary and uncomfortable but I was grateful to have another daughter there, relatively safe and sound. I threw up again to the sounds of a student doctor stapling my stomach and couldn't wait to be back in my room with Clark and our baby. After what seemed like a very long time we were back in the same room together, naming our second born. I loved the name Abigail and it seemed only fitting since she had been born on the same day, May 1st, as my sister Abby. Clark chose her middle name, "Hope" and I loved it...and love that he had chosen it. (Haley's name was all him too.)
Recovery was rough but we loved every minute of our girls. Both of our parents (and our two brothers) came for a visit and her blessing (I would have included a picture of that but Clark and I both look the worst we've ever looked, so I am not going to.)
At two months old Abby had surgery. If you want to know what for, you'll just have to ask me. I don't think those words need to be anywhere on the Internet. It was pretty minor, all things considered but scary nonetheless to be in that situation with such a little baby. It meant a stay in the hospital and 16 sticks of a needle to get it right. It was awful and overwhelming but we were grateful to have everything made right and to bring home a healthy baby girl. And especially grateful after having spent time in the hospital around so many kids that were so much worse off. For the next three years she was busy setting the record for "the most-self sustained injuries" in the family including scrapes in the most bizarre places, the darkest bruises I've ever seen and a broken arm at age 2 (she went through two casts because she got poop on the first one-whole other story...and I must correct myself, she didn't set the record...that of course belongs to her Dad, who had broken 8 bones by the time he was 9.)
Abby is an absolute pleasure. I love her dimples and her smiling eyes. She used to have a regular giggling fit, as if on cue, every night during dinner. Her laughter is contagious. She is silly to the core and an entertainer at heart. She is sweet and thoughtful, creative and good. She says that she can't sleep unless she is touching someone which would explain why she has tried to get into our bed with us nearly every night for as long as she could get herself out of bed. She adores her Dad and is fiercely loyal to her sisters. She is sensitive and very kind.
I can't wait to see what the future holds for her.

Happy 6th birthday Babs!
I met her at school and brought goody bags to her class.
We went and ate lunch with Haley at school and then did Panera and Cold Stone for her birthday dinner per her request (a girl that loves to eat out is truly a daughter of mine...her birthday and sweet face even scored us a free bag of cookies from Panera.)

And let it not go unnoticed that dear Aunt Abby, affectionately called "Big Abby" is also one year older and wiser too! We love you anything-but-Big-Abby!!...you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too. I mean that in the most festive way possible.

And while we're on the subject of of well-wishing...Happy 300th post to me! It just seems like a lot.
I think I will celebrate by turning off my computer and paying attention to my kids...
And by having a cookie.
Maybe in honor of spending so much time documenting my life I will go back and read my very first post in February of 2005. Whoa. That's a lot memories.