My people

First let's just take a moment to look at my beautiful people.  I love and adore each and every one of them.  Remember that time I said I wanted more things that bridged the "us" of so many years ago to the "us" now?  Family pictures.  I am so grateful that I am a persistent bully when it comes to family pictures because they make my heart happy.  I'm not sure that we have had them every single year but it's been pretty close.  I remember each and every day that we took them.  I remember what happened before...like driving to Austin and realizing about half way there that Abby had no shoes...I remember taking the pictures...like walking around the National Mall with my brother and sister and law...and I remember my children and what they were like at that age.  I have already experienced the magic that comes from forgetting the blood, sweat and tears that usually accompanies taking family pictures (sometimes literally, like when my Megan in law and I dressed seven little girls in matching dresses and took pictures at the country club...)  All I see is absolute joy in my posterity when I look at them, as well it should be.  I have plenty of other opportunities to remember the nitty gritty, the hard, the frustration and defeat of other days.  These pictures freeze my little people in every way I want to remember them.

Ezra Oscarson (5)

Jonah Clark (8)

                                                             Hazel Christina (12)

                                                           Abigail Hope (17)

                                                            Mia Lovisa (15)

                                                            Haley Johanna (19)

I was just remarking to a friend the other day, that while time undeniably flies when you have children, this "stage" does not, especially with six kids not super close together.  I have been in "this stage" of family life for 19 years now, and still have a solid 13 years to go.  Lots of phases have come and gone in that time and the dynamic changes constantly, as often as each of us as individuals change.  We have had our family itself change, we have had moves across the country, changes in jobs, schools and wards.  We are an ever changing, ever evolving ecosystem with a delicate balance.  But the change is beautiful if we recognize it for what is it: growth, progression, learning, adapting, loving.

I always want to be relatable, even to myself when I look back on these different phases of my life.  I feel as though I am fairly honest with most of what my life is like.  I don't want to paint a picture that things are perfect because they're not.  We have had struggle, pain, discomfort, challenges, disappointments and setbacks.  In all honesty my sense of humor is what saves my sanity most days.  I have been blessed with the ability to see humor in most of the day to day frustrations, even if it is after the fact and not always in the moment.  

I have three things that make all the difference between my life feeling endlessly hard, and it being full to the brim with JOY.  

One, I have faith.  For me, faith is optimism and confidence.  It brings me peace in knowing that "all will be well", whatever that looks like.  That we are loved and we are watched out for by something much greater than what I see in the temporal sphere.  

Two, I have gratitude.  I am grateful every day for the things that I DO have.  And when I start to feel a little discouraged about the way things are going, I remind myself of the tender mercies, the gifts and the blessings that I have already experienced.

And third, I have perspective which affords me the privilege of seeing the big picture, the long game.  It puts my worries and anxieties into their proper place, in the background to the more important things.

 

Think of this next part as the "glorified Christmas letter".  It's all the things I have observed and feel for my people that couldn't possibly be summed up on a postcard once a year.

Clark is the man.  Do we fight? Yes.  Am I irritable and annoyed? Plenty.  But I am also very very grateful for a loving husband and father that puts those responsibilities above all else.  He has so much to balance and I am grateful that he cares, that he tries.  And he is still as handsome as ever, a plus.  Our personalities are very different and our interests do not overlap a ton.  I remember taking a test for one of my classes in college, it was a relationship test.  And it basically showed that we had all the big, major and important stuff in common so I naively assumed that we would live happily ever after and never disagree on what movie to watch....we still have the important stuff in common and that's what counts ;) 

 

Haley is amazing.  She is fun and always always up for a good time.  She has been ready to move out and be independent since she was two so last year was so fun for her.  She found her footing at school and was just beginning to figure it all out.  She came home last March for Spring Break and never went back.  We all second guess that decision constantly but ultimately she has stayed home to live somewhere for free while saving as much as she can (mind you, our definitions of "as much as she can" differ slightly from week to week...) This has been so challenging for Haley.  She loves her family and she values her time at home but she desperately misses that life that she was just on the precipice of.  And there is very little for her here, besides her family and a job that she likes.  I am anxious for her to have that all again.  My heart aches for what she is missing out on, even though what she is missing out on, is not really what it was a year ago.  It will be again.  She is still growing and being awesome.  And she plays the piano daily which I love so much.  The music is appreciated by all and we are all so used to it that it is a natural part of the house's hum.  Also she works at my favorite place to eat and I'm not ready to let that go...I mean her, I'm not ready to let her go, again.  I miss her when she is not here.

Ezra.  This boy is the love and adoration of all in the house.  He is cute and forgiving, always up for a snuggle, game or job.  He doesn't just ask, "what are you doing?" He always follows it with "can I help?" He loves his older siblings and wants to hang out with them.  He is an easy little shopping/errand buddy and often likes to tag along when I have to go somewhere.  He is my baby so of course I spoil him and let him choose treats on these outings.  He ALWAYS asks to choose one for Jonah too. He turned five in November and even though he could be going to preschool, I find the situation with school and such, a rather convenient way to not send him.  He will start kindergarten in the fall and then I will cry...but then I will take a nap and will probably even enjoy it a little.  It will be the first time that I am alone consistently in my own house for uhhhhhh, 20 years.  So crossing my fingers, just a little that this crazy world gets its act together.  In short, he is funny, he is cute, he is sweet and he is smart.

These are his babies: Bayba, Noogy and Tutu.  He is also a good Dad.

Jonah Jonah Jonah.  He is crazy, he is sweet, he is smart, he is adorable.  The other day I wasn't feeling well and he was the only child that a) noticed and b) asked "what can I do for you?"  He is perceptive and compassionate.  He is lazy - the boy would watch tv or play Lego Wii Lord of the Rings all day long if I let him.  He is good at math, and quick but he abhors writing.  He would drop anything and everything if I offer to read to him but he doesn't especially like to read on his own.  He may be lazy but is also willing to follow the pied piper of fun and activity if presented with one.  He loves Legos and always is up for a snuggle.  He is a good brother and both annoys and is adored by his sisters.  His favorite right now would be a Mommy Jonah date to Cava for a pita.  He complains about what is for dinner almost every single night and almost every single night he comes around and eats everything.  He prays for the whole entire world to be happy.  And now he is learning chess, I suspect it won't be long until he finds a way to beat Clark.

Everyone has had moments of greatness this year and everyone has grown and changed.  Mia has overcome some awful challenges this year.  She has faced some incredibly difficult things and has figured it out.  We all still have a long ways to go, and it is always going to be part of life as we all experience, but this year has been pivotal for her and we are so proud of her.  She has grown and matured and it has blessed our family.  She plays the piano almost every day and I am so impressed that even though she hasn't taken lessons in almost 5 years, she has continued to progress and get better.  I love hearing the piano being played.  She loves to read and really really loves her bed.  She is still trying to play field hockey even though everything has been foiled and foiled over and over again this year.  She is a force to be reckoned with.

Hazel has a new idea every week.  She is constantly hatching schemes to start businesses.  She also makes messes in the kitchen constantly as she finds and tries out all sorts of recipes.  She is becoming quite the little chef which I could certainly get used to.  Cooking for a family has broken me.  She is also game for anything and everything.  She always wants to know who, what, where, how, why.  I appreciate that at 12 she is still somewhat naive to the world of teenagers though she has plenty of observation time logged watching her sisters...sometimes they even include her.  Nothing drives her more crazy than everything Jonah does.  But she is smart and self driven.  She has been doing online school since last March and I only have to ask her to get on task every once in a while.  She is organized and intelligent.  She has taken great care of her bird, which can usually be found perched on her shoulder and which has learned to whistle a cat call when someone walks passed her room.  This girl, with her amazing Hazel eyes and freckles, is going places.

Abigail Hope, oh my heart is tender.  As tender as it was the entire year leading up to Haley flying the nest.  Abby has finally decided that she does indeed want to grow up after all and has decided to start at Utah State University this fall.  All of the kids have been so adaptable and have tried so hard to be flexible even though it is not what they want to be doing.  And especially for these kids passing through big milestones, I applaud them and what they are learning and training themselves to do.  Her senior year has definitely not been what she expected but she has her ducks in a row and the important stuff is still important.  She is tough and tender, a little quiet and a little loud and a lot beautiful inside and out.  She already had a notch on her belt for the year that she killed and dressed our Thanksgiving turkey and this year she added, field dress a deer to her list of credentials.  Abby is well rounded.  She is so incredible talented, I am constantly begging her to let it shine.  She took voice for a while and was so good at it.  She still draws and paints on pretty much everything and I am amazed at what she can do, but not surprised.  I will miss her so much when it is time for her to move on to the next thing.

And then there's me...I've been going through a mid life crisis for about three years now.  I spend most of my time trying to figure out the stage of life that everyone is in and how we can all coexist and actually like it.  I have so much fun with my family, it's hard to not take it personally when they actually want to hang out with other people.  Our home is my favorite place to be.  I am trying to figure out what I am good at, besides birthing adorable and amazing human beings.  I tried my hand at sign making for a good year or so.  I sold quite a few but mostly to friends and family who are just lovely.  And when it came down to it last year, I just didn't have the time or bandwidth to devote to it so it has been put aside for the time being.  I love to read books, history or historical fiction is my favorite.  I took up drawing again for a little bit last year when there seemed to be nothing else to stimulate my brain.  I refuse to say that 2020 was awful because it was just as every year, full of good and bad, hard and beautiful.  I feel like the most constant theme was that nothing ever happened.  Anytime we had a plan or even thought about doing something, it fell through.  It's taken us to a whole new level of flexible and that's OK.  In any case, I get dressed in real clothes almost every day, I make my bed and I'm finding renewed focus in the things that have always mattered.  We are doing our best, or at least not giving up and that counts for a lot.

Up to speed and on with life.

My life really feels like very distinct chapters.  Sometimes when I think back to ten years ago, it might as well be someone else's life completely.  The lifestyle was so different, the family dynamic so different, WE were different.  

It's hard to list off what I consider family "traditions".  Traditions are so important to a family unit, to establishing expectations, growth, creating unifying memories together and creating a sense of identity for us as a family and as individuals.  I know we have traditions, but I always wish we had more.  More things that connected that "us" from a long time ago to the "us" now.  I think ultimately thats what I'm getting at here...I don't want those memories to feel so far away.

We have had good times.

This year I was trying to cut back on some of the expenses that have gotten quite large as more people have appeared on the scene and as those people have also gotten bigger with more expensive needs and tastes.  So instead of buying ornaments for the kids this year we made them.  The kids drew names and they made ornaments for each other.  It was a fun family activity.  It's a challenge to find activities that we can all do and enjoy together.  Five to nineteen is quite the spread in ages so when it happens I remember it.

Something that definitely makes me sad is the loss of some of my own family's traditions, things that I loved from growing up that made me feel a part of something and added to my identity.  I don't want to be the generation that breaks these traditions because it is one more step removed from first hand knowledge.  So many of our traditions growing up, particularly around Christmas, were Swedish.  And while Aunt Linda did an amazing job teaching us kids the phonetic pronunciation of the Lucia songs when I was little, there is so much other stuff that I just don't know well enough to pass on.

Unfortunately, even if I did know some of it better, my kids would still not sing and bring breakfast in bed on December 13th.  The best I could get was Haley wearing the sash and crown for a little while.  In their defense, the dresses are all a tad too small...and they don't know how to make a good cinnamon roll.

What, you don't find birds randomly sitting around your house?  They are adorable and sweet until I find bird poop and then I have to yell at someone for how disgusting their birds are.  Also, several months in and the bird dog has not eaten them.  He is actually a little scared of them so, that's a plus.

Despite having a beautiful roomy house that I love, there is a tragic lack of secret hiding spots.  And when you are a type A personality that likes to keep things together and organized, you improvise.  I don't take a lot of baths but I realized that a month and a half around the holidays is too long to go without a nice hot soak in the tub.  Do you think anyone peeked?  I kind of like to build the anticipation for Christmas, make them hurt just a little.

Once again the Larsons accepted our invitation (begging) to come be with us as the last minute for Thanksgiving.  Everything, it seems, has been last minute this year.  And that's OK.  We often didn't know what was going on from one day to the next but it was good that way too.

In fact, I both love and despise these friends because they are solely responsible for Clark's new "hobby" which I'm hoping is more of a phase...(same deer, see the horns? You don't? That's because there's only one.)

Quarantine has been a little bit of a dream come true for me.  You see, as a mother of teenagers I have had to do some major adjustments to be OK with the fact that they like to hang out with friends and go and do stuff.  I, like them here, with me, trapped at home, with nothing to do but bake together, dance around singing, snuggling on the couch with popcorn and a good movie or sitting and staring at each other.  OK, we don't really do all that stuff together as often as I would like.  That's what it looks like in my head and therefore that's what I mourn.  So we struck a deal that they had to give us at least a couple of days during the Christmas break that was family only.  BE WITH US!  And they did.  And I loved it.

 

Christmas was good.  It wasn't anything out of the ordinary or a year to remember with anything big, but it was exactly what I love about it.  It was us and it was good fun.

And it all ended with the most anti-climatic New Years there ever was.  That's not entirely true, we DID stay up until midnight and I DID make super amazing awesome crowns out of brown paper.  We even got out the leftover crepe paper in my office and threw it around like confetti.  We stopped our show two minutes before midnight to watch the most awful, pathetic New Years Eve on Times Square there ever was (think the worst of 2020 in one place-bad politicians, drunk celebrities spouting opinions, the elect elite standing around in inflatable "corrals" on the street, no happy noise and celebrating, no kissing at midnight, weird sparkly masks.)

Anyway, the point is, we had far more fun in our little family room with the people that were there.

I didn't even hate 2020.  It was good and bad like every year.  We grow a little and learn a lot.  I still believe in God.  I love my family more than ever.  I feel like that's a pretty good place to start a new year.

Fall was full-ish

OK, things are a little out of order here and all over the place but such was 2020.

Clark has a talent for finding hobbies that I don't particularly like.  Someday perhaps he will find joy in scrapbooking? Or at least something more productive and helpful like woodworking.  One can dream.  In any case he shot his first deer and was really really excited about it.  We only teased him a little bit about the fact that it only had one antler.  Abby helped him skin the deer and process the meat and we have been eating it ever since.  I am undecided about venison though leaning towards "I prefer normal meats".

My Mom Bubble in the backyard hasn't gotten much use as of late because I really hate being cold.  But I look at it longingly from time to time and remember that happy moment when it was warm enough to be out there and cool enough to not be carried off by mosquitos.

We did our best to pretend like everything was normal and did a drive-by to "meet" teachers....meaning Jonah's teacher.  Everyone else is too old for such things.  I think that there could be a lot of positive things that come out of this whole experience, one being the realization that we do a lot of things out of habit that just aren't necessary - like in person meetings and open houses.  Are they helpful? Sometimes.  Are they necessary?  Not really.  In any situation it's in the actual doing that we figure things out most effectively anyway.  We figured it was important to introduce "little brother" as well since he is bound to be seen bopping around in the background from time to time.

Mia was shortchanged on her field hockey season (as was poor Hazel who had just made the middle school team just the week before everything went on lockdown last Spring.) Mia was able to join a summer/fall league for the extra practice.  It's been disappointing to see how uncommitted the rest of her team was to making it a useful time - they never practiced together, not once.  So while she enjoyed having the opportunity to play games once a week, most of her practices were with sisters or a single friend or maybe two that would meet up at the school to play during the week.

School started.  I feel like my kids have done an amazing job at rolling with the punches this year.  It hasn't been easy or pleasant but they have adapted as well as anyone could expect.  It's taken time to figure things out and know how best to do stuff but overall I think we have done fairly well.

In September Jonah started 3rd (which I always forget...I literally have to count from his birthday to know what grade he is in for some reason), Hazel is in 7th, Mia in 10th and Abby is experiencing a truly unique Senior year.

We started out with a pretty little school set up in the piano room.  I felt like it was important for them to have a space designated for school to help keep them focused as well as being able to better compartmentalize "school" and "home".  Hazel, Abby and Mia have no appreciation for their adorable and potentially organized school spaces.  Jonah has no choice since his computer can't be moved around.  Most days I have to wander into their room at least once to tell them to turn on the lights and look alive.

Ironically enough though, his "space" has changed twice since school started.  He can't really be on headphones because I need to be able to hear what is going on and what he is supposed to be doing, which was distracting to the girls.  So I reluctantly moved him into the corner of my bedroom which also proved to be an inconvenient place....particularly in October when the family came down with COVID and Clark and I were sleeping 6 hours a day.

Before: when things were tidy and in place and attitudes were still "ooh this could be fun..."

NOW:

Messier, a little less enthusiastic...somedays barely hanging on.  And rarely sitting at their nice little desks anymore.  Except Jonah, he is always stuck to his desk which is now back in my office where he is out of everyones way yet still close by.

 I'm not sure what is worth mentioning about the whole COVID thing except that we had it.  With so much of the year revolving around this pandemic, it felt kind of like "we got it! we won!" and then, oh dang.  Clark, Haley, Abby, Mia and myself all tested positive (Hazel had symptoms but was never tested.) We all quarantined for two full weeks and have made a full recovery, I think.  My taste and smell is not quite normal but close enough to not be bothered by it.  The girls were never very sick and it was short lived.  Clark and I had every symptom on the list, but by far the worst was the fatigue (and the loss of smell/taste.) The fatigue was insane.

But we got better.  We have spent lots of days at the farm.  It's been a nice place to get away when there is not a lot of other stuff to do.  

Then in November Abby and Mia got to go back to school.  We chose the "in school option" for those two while we opted to keep Jonah and Hazel virtual throughout.  I figured consistency for Jonah was the best, not to mention I couldn't stand the thought of him being told to "stop doing" things all day long on top of normal school rules.  And Hazel likes being in charge of her own stuff.  Even the "in school" option is only two days a week at the school for them and while it doesn't feel normal, they enjoy being able to go.

Honestly I can't even remember when we did the adventure park but I think it was early October?  It was a fun end of summer type of celebration.  I wish activities like this weren't so crazy expensive, especially for a family our size.  Because we had a lot of fun and a good time was had by all.  Even Abby who is terrified of heights.

We have been super lucky to have such good friends that are so willing to come see us.  The Larsons have been our family and friends this year.  We mostly just play and eat and hang out.  But they also get us out of the house.  We were able to go on a bike ride down by the water.  We were a bike gang and even though it rained on us it was nice to know we can pull off an activity like that.

Then we had Halloween.  The day of Halloween was actually supposed to be our very last day of the 14 day quarantine.  We tried to make it fun, I promised them a party.  I'm not sure if I delivered to their liking but I enjoyed myself.

Costumes were mandatory for the family party.  We ate mummy dogs and chili and a piece of candy or two.  One of the perks of COVID was a total loss of appetite.  Clark and I lost weight and food just didn't sound exciting, or necessary for a good month or two.  We wrapped up mummies in crepe paper, played Halloween bingo and finished the night off by watching the new Witches movie.

The day after was voting day.  It felt very strange to be out in the big wide world after a strict 2 weeks at home.  People were so kind and generous with meals and treats.  I even had our groceries delivered to our porch.  But then the next day we stood in line for an hour to cast our votes and get a sticker.  It was a big election for Haley who got to be an adult and make her voice count.