I mean, I think I have had a real nervous breakdown once. It was the last time we ever moved ourselves. I had spent a month slowly packing everything up while tying up lose ends to leave and taking care of two toddlers. It was late and we were on to the clean-every-nook-and-cranny phase. I was crying so hard that Clark told me to stop what I was doing immediately and go to the hotel...which I did. I then proceeded to sit on the edge of the bed and cry inconsolably until I had no moisture left in my body. I am still not sure why.
I am leaving the country in one week with my entire family of 6 for the most amazing trip ever to my homeland (I can say that because I was born there, right?) and I am not stressed one bit. In fact, I am not worried about preparing for the trip at all, as in, I am making dresses from scratch and eating ice cream while starting all 80 episodes of 30 Rock from the beginning...again. However calm I may be on the surface, I suspect my subconscious is totally freaking out. I am waking up with splitting headaches and sore teeth.
I have sat down multiple times to do my insanely detailed list thing (which may or may not include sketches) but am drawing a total blank. I take that back, I have written down "umbrellas" and "soft headphones for kids" and that is only because I talked to my sister yesterday who did the trip just last year. Don't worry Mo and Dad, I also have a running list of the things I am bringing to you...at this point, it will be the only stuff packed in our suitcases.
I blame this on 11 years of being a Navy wife. I have spent years knowing that I had no choice but to do hard stuff, whether I wanted to or not.
In high school I suffered from legit anxiety...the kind where I would cancel dates at the last minute and pretty much feel like vomiting 24/7. I was on medication and everything. I went off of that medication about 6 years ago because my anxiety seemed to have simply vanished. Over the years I have learned and developed my own strategies to manage and work through it. It's mostly a mind over matter approach but I now suspect that it might be swinging back around to smack me in the back of the head. Instead of totally overcoming anxiety, I think I have unintentionally trained my body to just repress it. Not the kind of repression where I am in denial but more the kind where in order to live my life, I knew that I had to fake it to make it. If I acted as though I didn't have anxiety, then it would just go away, right? This approach works most of the time. Not easily mind you, but it doesn't keep me at home with the door locked. I am stronger than this issue...that's what I like to tell myself. That, and "I am in charge". Sometimes I say "large and in charge" but that is only if I want a little laugh. The point is, I couldn't not do things just because I didn't feel well or was nervous about it. So I have learned to not even waste time or energy thinking too hard about things that are going to happen. It's good because I can go on with life, it's bad because my body has had to find ways to cope with the nervous energy that still exists there, even if I am not willing to give it the time of day. Does that make any sense at all? My body still experiences anxiety from time to time but my mind refuses to acknowledge it.
The problem with this of course, is that while in my waking hours I am seemingly fine both to my waking self and those around me, going about my business, an alter ego is brewing beneath the surface...one that wants to fidget incessantly, forgets the names of my children and everyone around me, is going gray and also probably has 12 ulcers waiting to erupt. Also it makes me want to adopt a crazy disgusting habit like smoking. Don't ask me why.
I have gone way off tangent. My original point was to tell you all how incredibly excited I am to be going to visit my parents in Sweden with my husband and daughters. Everything about that sentence makes me so happy that I can't even find a word in the thesaurus to re emphasize it. However, I am not packed. I assume that as long as we have our passports and plane tickets how could we go wrong? I figure one of two things is happening here, either I am totally over being anxious about things like big vacations and flying on airplanes or my anxiety is severely dormant and may rear its ugly head on the morning of departure in the form of a face full of zits or a raging case of diarrhea. Let's hope it's the former.
I also hope, that for preparations sake, I do not post anymore between now and then because let's just assume that I have my brain back enough to be doing something more productive, like packing...or at least drawing pictures of the things I am going to pack.
In other somewhat related news, I am overjoyed to announce that one of my children is finally blossoming in the ways of Type A personality...now if I could only mold it towards keeping things tidy...
This is what Haley has been working on....'sigh' a girl after my own heart.
Complete with a title page, index, drawings, checklist and a haiku.
I am leaving the country in one week with my entire family of 6 for the most amazing trip ever to my homeland (I can say that because I was born there, right?) and I am not stressed one bit. In fact, I am not worried about preparing for the trip at all, as in, I am making dresses from scratch and eating ice cream while starting all 80 episodes of 30 Rock from the beginning...again. However calm I may be on the surface, I suspect my subconscious is totally freaking out. I am waking up with splitting headaches and sore teeth.
I have sat down multiple times to do my insanely detailed list thing (which may or may not include sketches) but am drawing a total blank. I take that back, I have written down "umbrellas" and "soft headphones for kids" and that is only because I talked to my sister yesterday who did the trip just last year. Don't worry Mo and Dad, I also have a running list of the things I am bringing to you...at this point, it will be the only stuff packed in our suitcases.
I blame this on 11 years of being a Navy wife. I have spent years knowing that I had no choice but to do hard stuff, whether I wanted to or not.
In high school I suffered from legit anxiety...the kind where I would cancel dates at the last minute and pretty much feel like vomiting 24/7. I was on medication and everything. I went off of that medication about 6 years ago because my anxiety seemed to have simply vanished. Over the years I have learned and developed my own strategies to manage and work through it. It's mostly a mind over matter approach but I now suspect that it might be swinging back around to smack me in the back of the head. Instead of totally overcoming anxiety, I think I have unintentionally trained my body to just repress it. Not the kind of repression where I am in denial but more the kind where in order to live my life, I knew that I had to fake it to make it. If I acted as though I didn't have anxiety, then it would just go away, right? This approach works most of the time. Not easily mind you, but it doesn't keep me at home with the door locked. I am stronger than this issue...that's what I like to tell myself. That, and "I am in charge". Sometimes I say "large and in charge" but that is only if I want a little laugh. The point is, I couldn't not do things just because I didn't feel well or was nervous about it. So I have learned to not even waste time or energy thinking too hard about things that are going to happen. It's good because I can go on with life, it's bad because my body has had to find ways to cope with the nervous energy that still exists there, even if I am not willing to give it the time of day. Does that make any sense at all? My body still experiences anxiety from time to time but my mind refuses to acknowledge it.
The problem with this of course, is that while in my waking hours I am seemingly fine both to my waking self and those around me, going about my business, an alter ego is brewing beneath the surface...one that wants to fidget incessantly, forgets the names of my children and everyone around me, is going gray and also probably has 12 ulcers waiting to erupt. Also it makes me want to adopt a crazy disgusting habit like smoking. Don't ask me why.
I have gone way off tangent. My original point was to tell you all how incredibly excited I am to be going to visit my parents in Sweden with my husband and daughters. Everything about that sentence makes me so happy that I can't even find a word in the thesaurus to re emphasize it. However, I am not packed. I assume that as long as we have our passports and plane tickets how could we go wrong? I figure one of two things is happening here, either I am totally over being anxious about things like big vacations and flying on airplanes or my anxiety is severely dormant and may rear its ugly head on the morning of departure in the form of a face full of zits or a raging case of diarrhea. Let's hope it's the former.
I also hope, that for preparations sake, I do not post anymore between now and then because let's just assume that I have my brain back enough to be doing something more productive, like packing...or at least drawing pictures of the things I am going to pack.
In other somewhat related news, I am overjoyed to announce that one of my children is finally blossoming in the ways of Type A personality...now if I could only mold it towards keeping things tidy...
This is what Haley has been working on....'sigh' a girl after my own heart.
10 comments:
Anxiety sucks and so does moving.
We really are very related you know. I consider somewhat of a talent the way i can suppress anxiety and negative emotions...but I am FULLY prepared for the fact that in a few years all that suppressing will bubble to the surface and I'll have to be carried away somewhere where hopefully I can just have a breakdown peacefully and comfortably. But Sweden is not anxiety producing...they have clothes, underwear, toothbrushes and shampoo...they DON'T have comfortable feminine hygiene products though...pack those.
Wow. I have never been a list-maker, not on paper anyway. I always prided myself on getting it all perfect on memory alone. Having kids destroyed my near-perfect record, but it also forced me to overcome my own anxieties. After several fits of temper and rage, I learned that no amount of preparation and worry can actually prepare a person for the disasters that living with children can bring. Now I worry that I don't worry enough. Seriously. Two weeks ago, I threw some gear together for a mountain climb up to 14,411 feet a night or two before I left. I was invited only two weeks before that. The only thing I knew was that I needed to be home before the triathlon that my dad had signed me up for. Part of my brain said, "Worry. Make a list. Prepare." The other part of my brain said, "Will I need clean underwear on the mountain? Nah. I'll only be up there three days. I will need a water bottle though" as I drove down the road, too late to gather anything I had forgotten.
Don't start smoking. Do give Mo and Dad a big big big big hug from me. (You don't have to pack that.)
I am so impressed with your ability to suppress all signs of anxiety. I'm working on suppressing my own issues. I also regularly wake up with headaches and sore teeth. Your story of crying your eyes out while cleaning the nooks and crannies before moving hit a little too close to home. Those last few days before leaving Sherwood were the_worst_. And seeing that I am going to be packing up this apartment into one minivan and one sedan... um... TOMORROW well, I could use some anti-anxiety prayers. I wish I were packing for something as fun as visiting Mo and Dad in Sweden. Maybe if I make some thorough and illustrated lists it would make it more fun. (Very proud of H, btw!) I hope you have fun fun fun with no anxiety, zits or diarrhea!
Just enjoy Sweden. Your parents are the best and you will have a real good time.
Wow, what an impressive little...sketch book. I can't WAIT to hear all about Sweden (and yes you can call it your homeland, I did) and I am still watching to see a pic of the recent hair situation.
OOOHH a recent hair situation that doesn't sound good or does it? I love you and love that sweet family of yours. How fun you get to go and enjoy your mom and dad and your "homeland". What wonderful memories you get to create with your girls. You will be fine and just think whatever you forget to pack you get to buy in SWEDEN! Have a safe trip...can't wait to hear all about it.
I never knew you were from Sweden!
I can understand the anxiety thing...not the repression thing, however. I tend to...ok am...one of those maniac screamers/breakdown-ers. Explode, not implode. But where ever on the spectrum one may be, it takes a heavy toll, on us, and our children and marriage. I am sure the accumulated stress of being a married singled mom is really kicking in too.
Lots of honest prayers directed to God, lots of "I am sorry for being a psycho" directed to my family, and a glass of wine at THAT time of night every nite (you know right before dinner when everything is loud and chaotic and the thought of making dinner makes you want to weep), and popping that Lexipro in the morning, is what has kept me afloat.
I hope Sweden is a wonderful blessing for you and your family.
Cheers,
Leah
I appreciated your post. I get anxiety over even the silliest things sometimes. And is sounds like you have so much going on. Have a great trip!
Um could you do your smoking outside when you get here? Really, you don't need to worry--you can get anything you need here....it will just cost you twice as much. But you CAN get it. Actually, by now you are on your way and we are so excited I can hardly stand it! I am going down to clean out the refrigerator now and remove anything that has expired....just for you! Now that is love. HURRY!
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