I began tonight by googling "image of a brain on the floor". I was looking for a picture of a slippery, slimy, human brain lying right there, on the floor...any floor would do.I lay in bed panicking some nights...panicking is perhaps not the right word...it's more of a stupor, actually.
what did I say?
why did I say that?
did I forget to tell them Thank You?
why did I do it that way?
......................................................(that's the silence that occurs when sometimes I can't grasp any thought at all.)
I am just not myself, you see. This seems to have gone on for some time now. Months. Reader's Digest would have me convinced that it's Sleep Apnea, though next week I may read an article that tells me it's a lack of fiber or the right kind of vitamin in my cereal...or stress or too much sun...or not enough exercise.
So I am sending out this umbrella apology right now.
If I have neglected to call you...I'm sorry.
If I have not commented on your blog in some time...I'm sorry.
If I forgot to ask you how something went that I knew was happening...I am so sorry.
If I didn't tell you something nice that I thought in my head...I really am sorry.
If I missed your birthday or forgot to even call at all...I'm sorry.
If I said I would do something and then forgot altogether...I am very sorry.
If I acted aloof I really didn't mean to.
You don't have to tell me "it's OK". I know you understand. I just hope you haven't taken it personally and I hope that you will still rely on me and count me in.
It will resolve itself eventually...won't it?
I do care, I really really do.
The other day I couldn't remember what 8 times 5 is. Basic multiplication tables people. And the 5's...they are the easy ones to remember!
Our school mornings are disjointed and staccato...no more smooth operating as I make lunches and snacks, and slide it all into the right bags with corresponding folders, homework and library books (on the right days.) I've been this way since January.
Maybe it's a glitch in my brain caused by the fact that I haven't yet purchased new postage stamps since the price went up and I am subconsciously afraid that I will try to mail something with an old stamp...gasp!
I am finding old school papers at the bottom of stacks that I set aside to "look at later" only to find that it's a couple of days too late.
It's like the old me could spin 12 plates on tall poles while painting my nails and reading a book to the kids and now I am sitting on the floor staring at one plate in my hands and trying to remember if I ate breakfast...also the plate is probably dirty (figuratively speaking folks.)
To say I have lost my groove would be a gross understatement. It has checked out...only temporarily I hope. And it seems to be getting worse.
Groove...if you are out there...please come back. I miss you somethin' fierce.
20 comments:
The sensation you are experiencing is called 'The Twilight Zone'. It is usually triggered by several out of the ordinary things happening at the same time and you notice it... it is not very fun OR funny until it is over... unless you are fortunate to be in 'the Zone' with someone else.
This too will pass.
The skull with fruit spilling out is kind of tripping me out.
Um...I have to say I'm not too sad to not see a brain upon the floor. Morbid, I tell ya.
And all that talk about losing papers and multiplication that just started happening to you? Count yourself lucky:)
I feel this too. The GROOVE is a fair weather friend, only coming to my house once in a while to show me how poorly my other days really are.
My current problem is being really tired, but once my head hits the pillow, I can't go to sleep. Thoughts just go pouring through my head and I will them to stop, but they don't.
The memory loss is due to having children—I am sure. The other problems....well, let's just blame it all on the kids while we're at it. This after I just spent a half hour telling my six year old why we don't blame other people for things we do. It is official...I have learned nothing.
It's about time you apologized! I was about to kick you out of the family. Just kidding. I always thought you were holding on pretty well. Maybe my bar is really low, or I'm not "groovy" enough to notice. I can't remember if I brushed my teeth today. gross and brain dead. motherhood.
Well, the good news is summer is almost here so all that morning drill will go away for awhile - I hope the girls keep each other happy and occupied so you can find your groove again soon!
Didn't I tell you that you loose at least 10% of your ability to concentrate and remember things with each additional child...um, what was the question?
The good thing is this happens to all of us, so you fit right in!
Welcome to my world! Now you are like the rest of us!
I am frantically trying to remember what 8 times 5 is.
And I am deeply offended that you would even think that anything you have done or didn't do would offend anyone.
But I do hope you get your groove back. You are super awesome at what you do. I admire you tons.
I just don't know what you are talking about...must be rough. Good luck with that. Now excuse me while I go complete my daily task list in a neat and orderly fashion.
First of all, I missed you last posty-post. I throroughly loved the travelog because I felt a little like I went on vacation too! I have to live vicariously...
And second, I'm kinda thinking that no groove IS my groove. If I were totally on top of the cleaning and organization and such, I don't think that'd feel right. I just wouldn't feel like me. And I'll send Madeline right away for a multiplication tutorial.
Just sit down with some dark chocolate and relax. My friend and I talk about this all the time. It's said that when your brain is overloaded, it will disregard all the stuff it doesn't need. So, ...apparently I don't need my wallet, or keys.
My 4th baby pushed me over the edge and I asked Eric, "am I getting early onset Alzheimers or what?!" I actually like the "blanket apologies". That works for me. That way we don't have to remember anything,...it's all in the text! Love that post.
You're probably just down to "normal people" level, if that. I mean, you still sound quite articulate. You are/were so good at noticing the little things. It totally validated my need for the unnecessary touches that others may see as ridiculous. I remember when Clark had the girls (maybe just Haley) by himself, and you had outfit diagrams for each day along with hairstyle and a drawing of the hair accessory to be worn. I love your attention to detail. You have so much attention to detail, that you also never seem to miss a compliment. I'm sure things aren't as bad as you make them out to be (what kind of post would it be then?), but for your sake, I hope you find your groove again.
I'm sorry...where was I supposed to pick up a groove? I bet it was on a list somewhere...I'm looking...nope, can't find that list. Sorry, what are we talking about?
Can I cut and paste your beginning apology list? I need one of those. I use to pride myself on knowing what to say and how to say it and now I actually find myself apologizing profusely to people ALL the time for inappropriate or stupid things I've said.
I love the skull with fruit. What did you google to get that?
I've been out of my groove for about 2 years now. Funny thing, my youngest is 2. Of course, my husband took on his new job about that time to. If you figure out how to get it back, I miss my more organized self something fierce. I agree with your mom, every child kills that many more brain cells. I'm down to two working now.
What cracks me up is the comments. You express what could almost sound like a depressed plea for help and everyone responds with "Hey, welcome to motherhood". I think, dear friend, that no one actually believes you have fallen to anywhere near the level the rest of us calmly sit.
I accept your apologies however. You can make it all up to me this summer when life calms down and you have 4 children home instead of just two.
Finally!! The apology I've been stewing over! Cheez--'Bout time!
Oh you silly girl. Like anyone could ever take offense to you.
To chime in to the topic at hand..
I realized this TUESDAY, that we never turned in Bo's weekly homework packet that was due last FRIDAY. I can't keep up with Kindergarden assignments that we get a week to finish. I also let at least $20 of meat go bad in my fridge.. forgot it was "flood irrigation" day twice now (there's 500 gallons of free moutain water we won't be gettin' back. Shucks.)
and I'm not confident when the last time I showered was.
You're just fine darling girl.
Groove's are over-rated.
I came home last night and said, "I say the dumbest things."
Sadly, it's true.
You may have lost your groove but look at all the comments this has garnered! Aren't you the popular girl!
So, I was reading along, thinking, "Uh huh, yeah, I can relate to this," when suddenly you inserted the words, "disjointed" and "stacatto" into your blog. Then I realized that you totally sound sane as you describe your insanity. How can you put your words together so nicely without your groove? You are so impressive.
oh girl...i am right there with ya! i think the groove may return at retirement! (but when exactly do mom's retire? i think we just get promoted to grandmother!)
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