Dearest children (and husband if needs be),
When I go into the bathroom, for whatever reason, be it a shower, to use the "facilities" or blow my nose, it is not an invitation to come talk to me. It is not time for me to answer a phone call, break up a fight or get you a drink of juice. Imagine, if you will, a force field at the bathroom door. I cannot hear or see you. Icannot will not attend to you. In fact, I may just pretend that I am not in there at all. I will allow you to call my name incessantly for 10 minutes until I hear the panic in your voice that tells me you are afraid I have left the house without telling you (which I would like to take the time to point out, I have never done.) However, when I am in there, you are temporarily on your own.
Love,
Mom
(I swear, next time I need to call my entire family for dinner or prayer, I will just go into the bathroom and they will all materialize out of thin air in 2.3 seconds flat.)
Dear mini Boden catalog that I received in the mail this week,
Go away. Why do you want to torture me so? It is not me, it is you. I just went on your website this morning and filled my basket with everything that I would like in my possesion, I do this just for fun. The total is $959.00. Even though that would more than qualify me for your "free backpack with purchase of $150", it hardly seems fair.
Please stop coming to my house unless you are accompanied by Ed McMahon.
Thank you.
Signed,
Not-enough-in-my-bank-account-to-buy-little-girls-clothes-without-restraint
Dear Navy,
You kind of just suck no matter what the job is. But thanks for the paychecks, we sure do appreciate them.
Sincerely,
Slightly bitter NavyWidow Wife
Dear Mother Nature,
It is hot this week. Stop the insanity. We spent a couple of hours at the pool yesterday and my kids are all passed out on the couch today with pillows and blankets. Couldn't hack the heat. We have been away from Texas summers for too long.
Also, could you make our new "grass" green again? That would be terrif.
Affectionately Yours,
Excessively-sweaty person
Dear head of hair,
I hardly think it's fair to be sprouting gray. I am only 32.
Yours,
Salt 'n Peppa
Which brings me to my next letter,
Dear Mo (aka mother),
Why didn't you warn me that I would start sprouting gray hair at 32 (OK, it really started sprouting at about 30, but it's getting out of hand now.) You could have given me a head's up. I mean, I will feel fortunate to age as beautifully as a Green, you all do it well. Not that you are aging or anything. All I'm sayin is, I would like to continue to look like you, into that decade that you are in. And I wouldn't mind your mother's skin at 85 either. But the gray hair, I could do without. I have enough to worry about with the receding hairline, upper lip hair and the need to shave my legs, every single day.
Also, I am pretty sure my obsession with Dove chocolates is your fault. But I'm not really complaining about that one.
Love,
Your favorite daughter
Dear, lovely grocery store,
I know I said that I love you and that you are my favorite grocery store ever. I also know that I said that for the first time ever, I actually come home happy from this errand. Eh. No offense, but as long as I am wishing for $959.00 to spend on little girls' clothes, I might as well wish for a personal grocery shopper too. But why stop there, I'll just go ahead and take a personal chef, maid and in-house masseuse, and maybe someone to style my hair every day.
I will still treat myself to your sushi and chocolate croissants on occasion though, because if I have to be there anyway, I might as well.
Love,
A girls gotta feed her family
Dear Family from when I sprang,
I know I said that I would load that video slideshow for Spencer's birthday, but I didn't. And I probably won't. It is in a format that I would have to change and since I have four children at home with me all day and can only neglect them long enough to blog and check my e mail, I can't.
Love,
#5
Dear everyone else,
I am really sorry that I am kind of flakey. I have all sorts of fun, good ideas that never happen because of stuff. I don't mean to not follow through. I just like to think out loud. Also, I have a really really bad memory so if I keep asking you the same questions over and over, it's not because I wasn't listening the first time. I promise. I like you, I really do.
Love,
what was I saying?
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Emily
When I go into the bathroom, for whatever reason, be it a shower, to use the "facilities" or blow my nose, it is not an invitation to come talk to me. It is not time for me to answer a phone call, break up a fight or get you a drink of juice. Imagine, if you will, a force field at the bathroom door. I cannot hear or see you. I
Love,
Mom
(I swear, next time I need to call my entire family for dinner or prayer, I will just go into the bathroom and they will all materialize out of thin air in 2.3 seconds flat.)
Dear mini Boden catalog that I received in the mail this week,
Go away. Why do you want to torture me so? It is not me, it is you. I just went on your website this morning and filled my basket with everything that I would like in my possesion, I do this just for fun. The total is $959.00. Even though that would more than qualify me for your "free backpack with purchase of $150", it hardly seems fair.
Please stop coming to my house unless you are accompanied by Ed McMahon.
Thank you.
Signed,
Not-enough-in-my-bank-account-to-buy-little-girls-clothes-without-restraint
Dear Navy,
You kind of just suck no matter what the job is. But thanks for the paychecks, we sure do appreciate them.
Sincerely,
Slightly bitter Navy
Dear Mother Nature,
It is hot this week. Stop the insanity. We spent a couple of hours at the pool yesterday and my kids are all passed out on the couch today with pillows and blankets. Couldn't hack the heat. We have been away from Texas summers for too long.
Also, could you make our new "grass" green again? That would be terrif.
Affectionately Yours,
Excessively-sweaty person
Dear head of hair,
I hardly think it's fair to be sprouting gray. I am only 32.
Yours,
Salt 'n Peppa
Which brings me to my next letter,
Dear Mo (aka mother),
Why didn't you warn me that I would start sprouting gray hair at 32 (OK, it really started sprouting at about 30, but it's getting out of hand now.) You could have given me a head's up. I mean, I will feel fortunate to age as beautifully as a Green, you all do it well. Not that you are aging or anything. All I'm sayin is, I would like to continue to look like you, into that decade that you are in. And I wouldn't mind your mother's skin at 85 either. But the gray hair, I could do without. I have enough to worry about with the receding hairline, upper lip hair and the need to shave my legs, every single day.
Also, I am pretty sure my obsession with Dove chocolates is your fault. But I'm not really complaining about that one.
Love,
Your favorite daughter
Dear, lovely grocery store,
I know I said that I love you and that you are my favorite grocery store ever. I also know that I said that for the first time ever, I actually come home happy from this errand. Eh. No offense, but as long as I am wishing for $959.00 to spend on little girls' clothes, I might as well wish for a personal grocery shopper too. But why stop there, I'll just go ahead and take a personal chef, maid and in-house masseuse, and maybe someone to style my hair every day.
I will still treat myself to your sushi and chocolate croissants on occasion though, because if I have to be there anyway, I might as well.
Love,
A girls gotta feed her family
Dear Family from when I sprang,
I know I said that I would load that video slideshow for Spencer's birthday, but I didn't. And I probably won't. It is in a format that I would have to change and since I have four children at home with me all day and can only neglect them long enough to blog and check my e mail, I can't.
Love,
#5
Dear everyone else,
I am really sorry that I am kind of flakey. I have all sorts of fun, good ideas that never happen because of stuff. I don't mean to not follow through. I just like to think out loud. Also, I have a really really bad memory so if I keep asking you the same questions over and over, it's not because I wasn't listening the first time. I promise. I like you, I really do.
Love,
what was I saying?
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Emily
19 comments:
Love your letters - me too! Miss you guys.
HA HA! The first one I totally get. I hate when I try to go into the bathroom, and there are suddenly lots of little ones around trying to get me to help with some odd project. At least you get interrupted by other girls, I have to keep telling my boys to give me some privacy so they won't be scarred for life.
Dear Author,
Those were funny. I related. I laughed. I missed you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has filled up a pretend cart at Boden online...I made it to $500 like THAT--just for Stella alone...Danger.
Love,
#6
Dear friend, who's birthday present from last year is still sitting in my closet, I'm glad I'm not the only one with grand ideas that don't happen (and let's be honest, not even "grand" ideas that fall through the cracks, I hardly think mailing one of your best friends a bday present is a grand idea). I think I probably do the same question asking over and over again too.
This post made me laugh, it reminds me of Jimmy Fallon. Have you seen his little bit about "Dear gingham shirt, I want to have a picnic on you every time a see you etc. etc." ? It's funny, and so are you.
Yeah, let's just blame the not mailed present on Matt. :)
Nat
Dear Emily,
Please don't ever stop blogging, because I see myself in you every time, and I need that for some strange reason. (As if I don't get enough of myself on a daily basis to begin with.) But most importantly, you are extremely witty and charming and the world deserves to read what you have to say. Deserves, I tell you. Like chocolate. Everyone deserves chocolate and a few minutes to read your blog.
Your forever reader (possibly stalker),
Maleen
Dear Emily,
Oh, YOU.
Love,
Sarah
Loved them...and glad you got it all of your chest before we move into August..... ;)
Don't feel bad about the gray hair- I'm not even 29 yet and I have to keep pulling them out! Hope you guys are doing great- we miss you all! ;) -vi
I am glad that I am related to you.
Dear #5,
You are hilarious.
Sincerely,
#3
My mom says I still have a knock for calling - on the phone, mind you - while she's in the little girls room. You might be fighting DNA on that one.
I have a package coming from Boden (summer clearance, the gift we get for the endless summer here) nanny nanny boo boo.
My eye is twitching something fierce and I can't think about anything else... except maybe I shouldn't comment while my eye is twitchin'.
Well said. I'll have a few letters of my own by the end of the week. One of them will say "Dear lady at the park wearing hip-hugger jeans, don't park your picnic in front of mine...something something something...one size doesn't fit all...something something...buttcrack...something." Well, will you write the letter for me, please.
I really love you and I barely know you. BTW... I keep quoting your blog to Carrie (she is visiting this week); she's been here three days and I think I've mentioned your blog at least a dozen times.
Dear Emily,
I think writing letters is a very good exercise for improving your mental health. I would like to address a couple of your topics.
1) The bathroom thing is complete and total justice for what your mother (and every other mother throughout the history of time, for that matter) has endured. For me it lasted approximately 28 years, give or take a few. It's called karma. I am not going to tell you that one day you will miss those little voices which start calling "Maaaawm!" as soon as you enter the bathroom sanctuary because you won't. You will appreciate your peace, quiet, and privacy. Really. I promise. It is a rite of motherhood meant to be endured. I mean, if that's the worst they do to you.....
2) Can't help you with the heat or the Mini-Boden catalogue. Be strong.
3)I promise I didn't know about the gray hair thing. I didn't start going gray until my late fifties. It must come from my mom's side of the family. She also started to go gray in her early thirties. But honey, it's a non-issue--that is why Clairol exists!
3)Dang about the slide show. I was really hoping to see it. Whenever you can find the time....please? If I promise not to bang on the bathroom door while you are here?
4)You have my complete sympathy with the traveling husband issue. It stinks. I won't even tell you to just be grateful he has a good job in this economy because it still stinks!
There. I feel a lot better, too.
Love,
Mom AKA MO
Hey, stop your whining about gray hair! :) I started turning gray on my mission (21 years old). Thank goodness for hair dye and bleach!
Loved the salt and pepper signature. Very witty. Also just an FYI...tonight Dallan and I laughed really hard as we remembered the orange cone. And then Dallan said I miss all our good friends. I thought I was going to have to wipe a tear from his eye. With that being said...we really do miss you.
Good one!
I got caught up on your July blog posts(I took a month off from blog land) and your "letters" took the cake.
I liked that movie promo with eerie similarities...too funny.
Once again your blog gives me a humorous solace that there is at least someone else out there. Someone who knows and candidly tells the daily battle, insanity, humor, and joy of raising 4 girls.
Keep writing
Leah
what a fun array of letters...;)
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