I have written this post a hundred times in my head but never gone through with the publish. I am too afraid that it will be "one of those posts" where I sound mean and full of complaint. I don't want it to be a bash session on someone else. I just wanted to share an experience that I have had and a few "Aha" moments along it's way.
I had a friend. She was very kind when I was new to an area and was quick to spend time with me which I appreciated. However, over time I felt increasingly uncomfortable with how I felt after hanging out with her and her children. I felt conflicted and contentious and irritated by things that she said or did. It was nothing in your face, but all something I couldn't quite put my finger on at first. She was just contrary. I came to find that we differed on our opinions on just about every single thing that came up. Her blog is even more heavily loaded with subtle, passive aggressive comments on people and what they do. I felt she truly had a lack of respect for people-perhaps because she feels so attacked by their disapproval of her own choices. And so not so slowly, I'm afraid, I backed off on our interactions.
The most awkward part about it is that it was simultaneously happening with several others as well so it appeared as though we were ganging up on her. That some kind of clique was choosing to exclude her but that wasn't it at all. She simply couldn't recognize that her actions, words and attitude were driving people away.
It was a difficult decision. To end a friendship because I felt it's what was best for me and my family. I find myself reminding my daughters of the importance of choosing their friends. A real friend should be a positive force in your life. They should leave you feeling uplifted, not depleted. They should make you feel better about yourself. Occasionally the right thing to do is be a friend to someone who needs it, but sometimes the right thing to do is to just walk away. I have been tempted many times along the way to just tell her - to be obvious with the reasons why people choose to walk away. But I have realized that first of all, she would not be receptive, and secondly, it would seem contentious as well. It is not my job to do so. This was one of those situations where the I had to make the best choice for me and my family. And even though it caused sour feelings on the other end, it was good for us. I was not cruel. I was not hurtful but I feel sad that she perceived it as such.
Even though we have moved and I am not confronted with being near her anymore, I continued to read her blog from time to time which I found was a mistake. After I had cut off my interaction with her I succumbed to a curiosity to still expose myself to those things about her that I found so confusing and contradictory. In short, I went looking for reasons to confirm why I had stopped being her friend. And that was wrong. Because in doing so, I was continuing to invite feelings of contention into my life. So for the third time, I have removed her blog from my reading list, for the last time. I would read things on her blog, those subtle but cutting remarks and generalizations that she makes about others and I would feel such anger and frustration at her insults. This weekend she made a comment about how she and a friend sat and talked about how women lie on their blogs to paint a picture of their perfect lives. And suddenly, I felt sorry for her. I realized how disconnected she is from people and their motives. I felt sorry that she has given up trying to understand other people or even respect their knowledge and experience. There is a lack of respect and reverence for other women and their choices. And I realized that why I felt the most sorry for her was that she will continue to drive people away, without even knowing why. It will just feel like the world is always against her. And that is tragic. I realized months ago, while in the throws of conflict with ending the friendship that one thing that I could do was pray. After praying about the situation initially, I had the thought come into my head about praying for one's enemies. I didn't see her as an enemy but realized that even though I was hurt and offended by her, I could pray for her and her family. I could pray to feel a release from the frustration of insults she didn't realize she was throwing. And it helped. But by going to read her blog again and again I was revisiting the problem. It is time to walk away again and not allow it to influence me any more.
I respect her right to make the choices that she does. I respect her right to do what she feels is best for her family. I hope she can find peace and happiness in what she does.
And now I can move on and not look back, hopefully a little wiser, a little more wary where I feel warning in the future, with a little more love and compassion in my own heart.
I had a friend. She was very kind when I was new to an area and was quick to spend time with me which I appreciated. However, over time I felt increasingly uncomfortable with how I felt after hanging out with her and her children. I felt conflicted and contentious and irritated by things that she said or did. It was nothing in your face, but all something I couldn't quite put my finger on at first. She was just contrary. I came to find that we differed on our opinions on just about every single thing that came up. Her blog is even more heavily loaded with subtle, passive aggressive comments on people and what they do. I felt she truly had a lack of respect for people-perhaps because she feels so attacked by their disapproval of her own choices. And so not so slowly, I'm afraid, I backed off on our interactions.
The most awkward part about it is that it was simultaneously happening with several others as well so it appeared as though we were ganging up on her. That some kind of clique was choosing to exclude her but that wasn't it at all. She simply couldn't recognize that her actions, words and attitude were driving people away.
It was a difficult decision. To end a friendship because I felt it's what was best for me and my family. I find myself reminding my daughters of the importance of choosing their friends. A real friend should be a positive force in your life. They should leave you feeling uplifted, not depleted. They should make you feel better about yourself. Occasionally the right thing to do is be a friend to someone who needs it, but sometimes the right thing to do is to just walk away. I have been tempted many times along the way to just tell her - to be obvious with the reasons why people choose to walk away. But I have realized that first of all, she would not be receptive, and secondly, it would seem contentious as well. It is not my job to do so. This was one of those situations where the I had to make the best choice for me and my family. And even though it caused sour feelings on the other end, it was good for us. I was not cruel. I was not hurtful but I feel sad that she perceived it as such.
Even though we have moved and I am not confronted with being near her anymore, I continued to read her blog from time to time which I found was a mistake. After I had cut off my interaction with her I succumbed to a curiosity to still expose myself to those things about her that I found so confusing and contradictory. In short, I went looking for reasons to confirm why I had stopped being her friend. And that was wrong. Because in doing so, I was continuing to invite feelings of contention into my life. So for the third time, I have removed her blog from my reading list, for the last time. I would read things on her blog, those subtle but cutting remarks and generalizations that she makes about others and I would feel such anger and frustration at her insults. This weekend she made a comment about how she and a friend sat and talked about how women lie on their blogs to paint a picture of their perfect lives. And suddenly, I felt sorry for her. I realized how disconnected she is from people and their motives. I felt sorry that she has given up trying to understand other people or even respect their knowledge and experience. There is a lack of respect and reverence for other women and their choices. And I realized that why I felt the most sorry for her was that she will continue to drive people away, without even knowing why. It will just feel like the world is always against her. And that is tragic. I realized months ago, while in the throws of conflict with ending the friendship that one thing that I could do was pray. After praying about the situation initially, I had the thought come into my head about praying for one's enemies. I didn't see her as an enemy but realized that even though I was hurt and offended by her, I could pray for her and her family. I could pray to feel a release from the frustration of insults she didn't realize she was throwing. And it helped. But by going to read her blog again and again I was revisiting the problem. It is time to walk away again and not allow it to influence me any more.
I respect her right to make the choices that she does. I respect her right to do what she feels is best for her family. I hope she can find peace and happiness in what she does.
And now I can move on and not look back, hopefully a little wiser, a little more wary where I feel warning in the future, with a little more love and compassion in my own heart.
15 comments:
I recently had a "friendship" experience as well (for different reasons) and I finally had to come to the realization that friendships aren't supposed to be hard. While you do have to work at friendship, you shouldn't have to feel taxed or strained or stressed about friendship. So, while I'm sure it was difficult, I'm happy that you were able to rid yourself and your family of unnecessary stress and worry.
I'd love to be your friend. You need to move closer!
I don't know what to say...what did I do to you?? How can I make it right?
He he.
heavy. and i thought you might post about your glorious house guest over the weekend;) good for you for purging your thoughts.
You would think that these situations wouldn't be as hard as when younger, but they are, especially when you are as nice a person as you are. I have had the same thoughts on learning when it is okay to, shall we call it, judge righteously. Sometimes you need to decide, or judge, that something or someone is not good for you and your family, and then distance yourself. NOt trying to be mean, just trying to keep yourself going in the right direction. I think we all have those struggles with people we meet and interact with. And, on a totally random note, I had a dream that my family moved to the D.C. area, and we got to see you lots, and do lots of fun things. It was great. Maybe at some point in our lives, we will live close again, and I will take better advantage of spending time with such a great person!
Hahahaha! I am laughing out loud about Abby's comment. She really is annoying isn't she? :) Glad you were able to go through this and get to a better place for yourself and your family. I think you're right, it's just not worth your time or energy. Not that she as a person isn't, just the whole situation.
Can I just say already how grateful I am for those good influences in my life? I was so afraid that I would offend with this post and instead I am being uplifted and validated and I just love you people! My family and friends really are the most amazing people ever.
Jess, you and your darling boys can come play anytime! We would have fun!
I think most of us have had similar relationships. It really is a tough spot to be in. You are wise to have made it a matter of prayer.
I agree with Jessica...you don't expect to have these types of situations as an adult but it is a constant reminder that we need to follow the Spirit and pay attention to where we are being directed. I think every one has experienced this type of "toxic" relationship and it is a strong, healthy person who knows when enough is enough and can move on.
Bravo! Also a reminder to me to be the kind of friend who is uplifting and positive!
Learning to let go of unhealthy relationships was one of the hardest things I had to learn in the last few years. Lets just say I know how you feel.
Also, I miss you. I need to get better at using skype.
I really liked this post. It was well articulated. Sometimes I have something important to say and it doesn't come out right.
But I think you said it perfectly. I think the hardest part is wanting to help these kinds of people and knowing that change will only come from inside them. Prayer is sometimes the only way.
I wish I would have read this a year ago while I was honestly going through the same thing. However I was confronted head on with a questions from the woman that I of course answered honestly back. I have been regreting it ever since.
People are hard. So hard. And relationships are so much work...and so, SO hard. One of the things I love about being in the Navy is meeting so many wonderful people in so many wonderful places. I'm sure you feel the same way. But, it's hard too...to find people you connect with, to make the relationship work and last or to let it go if it's not working. I admire your strength.
On another note, we need to have you down for dinner again soon...my Mr. H. would love to chat it up with your Miss H. again soon. :)
You are awesome.
It takes a lot of guts to cut yourself free from entanglements like this and charity to continue to pray for that person.
Life is pretty simple. People complicate things. Negative people really complicate things. We are all expected to treat one another with compassion and concern but we don't have to move into the saloon just to be nice to the drunks!
Just a bit of Mo wisdom for what it's worth.
Just needed to let you know that through your blog the Spirit testified to me the truthfulness of choosing good friends and influences in my own life. Thank you for being one of the good ones.
Post a Comment