Uhhhhhhhh....

So here's the deal, I am still on the outs with social media.  It just feels sad to post my little bit of happy or funny where I don't want it to be, amidst a lot of other "stuff".  It just doesn't feel like it used to and that makes me sad.  I mean, I prefer blogs but I also really have enjoyed having a quick and easy place to put things that might remind me what we were up to, what makes us laugh and what frustrates us.  It also really frustrates me because it means that never will there be a tidy little shelf in my family room where all of our dearest family memories are in matching books of consistent size or type....I'm not going to let on how annoying that is to me because you might just realize how crazy I truly am.

I suppose one will just have to go from blog book, to chat book, back to blog book then hologram? Who knows.  In any case, I have tried to be a little more consistent with keeping up on our documenting so "blog" has been on my to do list for several weeks.

Imagine my surprise then, when I finally sit down to catch up and realize that in the last three months there is very little to catch up on.

But here's what I can say, Virginia has amazing sunsets.  Most of the year when skies are open we get fantastic views in the evening.  I love and appreciate how many members of my family are willing to jump up and step outside when someone notices how amazing it is.

Home church.  It's a 2020 thing.  It's been really good in a lot of ways.  It has also made us very lazy in our commitment to dressing up in our "sunday best".  Most Sundays it means sweats under our dresses or sweatshirts on top.  And forget about hair getting done and shoes are entirely discouraged.  We have been back to the church building only a couple of times...is that what it feels like to only go on Easter and Christmas? I do appreciate making our family room into our little sanctum once a week at least, despite the number of bare feet and dogs present.  Rocket's spirituality is going to suffer greatly when we go back to church in person.

January had me cleaning out and organizing ALL the things.  I had a bee in my bonnet about getting the house in order and by golly, did I ever.  I cleaned out and organized every cupboard and closet including unloading a ton of clothes, games and other misc items to goodwill.   I had maybe one or two areas left on the list and as soon as February 1st hit, it was like the "gift" was gone.  No more motivation or energy to keep it up.  Which is tragic because most of those areas, you can't even tell what was done a month ago.  It is the weight that a true Type A carries all their life.

We finally got rid of some of the bigger items too, that have been taking up too much space.  They were things that were still worth something and so we ended up selling them, including two small birdcages, a bookshelf, the huge sectional couch and the trusty recliner.  The recliner was difficult because we have had it since Haley was born.  It was purchased for the purpose of rocking my baby and rocking my babies it did, every single one of them.  I was so grateful that after a couple of buyers fell through, it ended up going to a single mother expecting her first baby.  I may or may not have cried a little driving it to our rendevouz spot.

Even though its not quite fair, I have a bajillion pictures of Ezra on my phone.  Mostly because A) he is always lurking somewhere very close by B) he is hilarious and C) teenagers are finicky about their Moms talking about them to the world wide web.  The sad thing is, they are ALL super cute and funny and frustrating.  Maybe I should start an anonymous account where I post everything and anything I want with their faces blurred to protect the innocent (even though NONE of them are innocent.)

Then it snowed.  Just once really.  It stayed for a day or two.  We have had hardly any snow in the last couple of years.  I would be a lot more content with all this cold weather if there was beautiful snow outside and a cozy fire inside.

This is the dirt mountain.  It sits on the edge of a huge construction zone just outside of our neighborhood.  The boys love to play at the dirt mountain and so we do.  We put on our boots and walk to where they can play and jump and get horribly dirty like little kids should.  I will be sad when the dirt mountain is gone.  Where will we go then?

Ezra found a "dinosaur egg" at the dirt mountain and decided he needed to carry all ten pounds of it home with us.  So we wrapped it in Haleys jean jacket and took turns carrying it.

I was caught off guard with Ezra losing his first two teeth.  Some of my kids have hung on to their teeth for so long, this kid made it easy.  Haley and Jonah will cry and sob and act like I am trying to cut off one of their fingers but Ezra was like "it hurts so just try two more times really hard" and boom, they were out.

I don't have any before and after pictures but Clark and I have been educating ourselves on fruit trees this year.  Our own fruit trees are suffering and we are determined to have a thriving orchard in our backyard eventually.  The farm has well over 100 blueberry bushes that were badly in need of pruning so pruning we have done.  And pruning and pruning and pruning.  After several trips out there, we still only accomplished getting about half of them done.  They are old and huge and just overwhelming.  Also, the weather was so nice I had to wear short sleeves and they tore up my arms.   These scratches don't even touch the bruise I have on my hip right now though.  I fell playing pickle ball last week and it looks like a sunset of colors.  It's so incredible that I have been taking daily pictures and sending them to all who won't be offended by my white stretch-marked thigh.

And more pictures of the small one.  He has grown so much this year that nothing fits.  I have bought hardly anything for the boys to wear.  I took Jonah out in public a few weeks ago to get new glasses and getting him dressed in an actual outfit that wasn't soccer pants and a t shirt, proved to be more of a challenge than I anticipated.  It looks like we might need a little shopping spree when the world opens back up again.  That is, if we decide to ever venture out to do stuff as often as we used to.

 

April 2017

When I opened up blogger to set where I left off I found myself scrolling through old posts.  Sure enough I found one that never got published which is a crying shame because its from when kids were little and their problems just a tiny bit smaller...let's bask in that for a moment, shall we?

Jonah did a season of t-ball where I volunteered to be an assistant coach out of guilt that no one else would step forward.  It truly was like herding cats.  In 2017 Jonah was not quite 5 years old and while he said he loved t ball, he spent a lot of time lying on the grass, being carried by the other coach from base to base and needing copious amounts of bribery like ice cream cones.  And yet, it was still somehow totally fun.

Oy, so long ago.  Apparently Haley got her license and stuff...

And can I even remember when Ezra was tiny? Not very well.  My little babies are gone.

It's wild to see Hazel so young too.  She has changed so much in the last few years.  She's a fun one.

And Easter, apparently a year that we felt so inclined to go beyond the normal hiding of the baskets...

And more t ball because why not?

My people

First let's just take a moment to look at my beautiful people.  I love and adore each and every one of them.  Remember that time I said I wanted more things that bridged the "us" of so many years ago to the "us" now?  Family pictures.  I am so grateful that I am a persistent bully when it comes to family pictures because they make my heart happy.  I'm not sure that we have had them every single year but it's been pretty close.  I remember each and every day that we took them.  I remember what happened before...like driving to Austin and realizing about half way there that Abby had no shoes...I remember taking the pictures...like walking around the National Mall with my brother and sister and law...and I remember my children and what they were like at that age.  I have already experienced the magic that comes from forgetting the blood, sweat and tears that usually accompanies taking family pictures (sometimes literally, like when my Megan in law and I dressed seven little girls in matching dresses and took pictures at the country club...)  All I see is absolute joy in my posterity when I look at them, as well it should be.  I have plenty of other opportunities to remember the nitty gritty, the hard, the frustration and defeat of other days.  These pictures freeze my little people in every way I want to remember them.

Ezra Oscarson (5)

Jonah Clark (8)

                                                             Hazel Christina (12)

                                                           Abigail Hope (17)

                                                            Mia Lovisa (15)

                                                            Haley Johanna (19)

I was just remarking to a friend the other day, that while time undeniably flies when you have children, this "stage" does not, especially with six kids not super close together.  I have been in "this stage" of family life for 19 years now, and still have a solid 13 years to go.  Lots of phases have come and gone in that time and the dynamic changes constantly, as often as each of us as individuals change.  We have had our family itself change, we have had moves across the country, changes in jobs, schools and wards.  We are an ever changing, ever evolving ecosystem with a delicate balance.  But the change is beautiful if we recognize it for what is it: growth, progression, learning, adapting, loving.

I always want to be relatable, even to myself when I look back on these different phases of my life.  I feel as though I am fairly honest with most of what my life is like.  I don't want to paint a picture that things are perfect because they're not.  We have had struggle, pain, discomfort, challenges, disappointments and setbacks.  In all honesty my sense of humor is what saves my sanity most days.  I have been blessed with the ability to see humor in most of the day to day frustrations, even if it is after the fact and not always in the moment.  

I have three things that make all the difference between my life feeling endlessly hard, and it being full to the brim with JOY.  

One, I have faith.  For me, faith is optimism and confidence.  It brings me peace in knowing that "all will be well", whatever that looks like.  That we are loved and we are watched out for by something much greater than what I see in the temporal sphere.  

Two, I have gratitude.  I am grateful every day for the things that I DO have.  And when I start to feel a little discouraged about the way things are going, I remind myself of the tender mercies, the gifts and the blessings that I have already experienced.

And third, I have perspective which affords me the privilege of seeing the big picture, the long game.  It puts my worries and anxieties into their proper place, in the background to the more important things.

 

Think of this next part as the "glorified Christmas letter".  It's all the things I have observed and feel for my people that couldn't possibly be summed up on a postcard once a year.

Clark is the man.  Do we fight? Yes.  Am I irritable and annoyed? Plenty.  But I am also very very grateful for a loving husband and father that puts those responsibilities above all else.  He has so much to balance and I am grateful that he cares, that he tries.  And he is still as handsome as ever, a plus.  Our personalities are very different and our interests do not overlap a ton.  I remember taking a test for one of my classes in college, it was a relationship test.  And it basically showed that we had all the big, major and important stuff in common so I naively assumed that we would live happily ever after and never disagree on what movie to watch....we still have the important stuff in common and that's what counts ;) 

 

Haley is amazing.  She is fun and always always up for a good time.  She has been ready to move out and be independent since she was two so last year was so fun for her.  She found her footing at school and was just beginning to figure it all out.  She came home last March for Spring Break and never went back.  We all second guess that decision constantly but ultimately she has stayed home to live somewhere for free while saving as much as she can (mind you, our definitions of "as much as she can" differ slightly from week to week...) This has been so challenging for Haley.  She loves her family and she values her time at home but she desperately misses that life that she was just on the precipice of.  And there is very little for her here, besides her family and a job that she likes.  I am anxious for her to have that all again.  My heart aches for what she is missing out on, even though what she is missing out on, is not really what it was a year ago.  It will be again.  She is still growing and being awesome.  And she plays the piano daily which I love so much.  The music is appreciated by all and we are all so used to it that it is a natural part of the house's hum.  Also she works at my favorite place to eat and I'm not ready to let that go...I mean her, I'm not ready to let her go, again.  I miss her when she is not here.

Ezra.  This boy is the love and adoration of all in the house.  He is cute and forgiving, always up for a snuggle, game or job.  He doesn't just ask, "what are you doing?" He always follows it with "can I help?" He loves his older siblings and wants to hang out with them.  He is an easy little shopping/errand buddy and often likes to tag along when I have to go somewhere.  He is my baby so of course I spoil him and let him choose treats on these outings.  He ALWAYS asks to choose one for Jonah too. He turned five in November and even though he could be going to preschool, I find the situation with school and such, a rather convenient way to not send him.  He will start kindergarten in the fall and then I will cry...but then I will take a nap and will probably even enjoy it a little.  It will be the first time that I am alone consistently in my own house for uhhhhhh, 20 years.  So crossing my fingers, just a little that this crazy world gets its act together.  In short, he is funny, he is cute, he is sweet and he is smart.

These are his babies: Bayba, Noogy and Tutu.  He is also a good Dad.

Jonah Jonah Jonah.  He is crazy, he is sweet, he is smart, he is adorable.  The other day I wasn't feeling well and he was the only child that a) noticed and b) asked "what can I do for you?"  He is perceptive and compassionate.  He is lazy - the boy would watch tv or play Lego Wii Lord of the Rings all day long if I let him.  He is good at math, and quick but he abhors writing.  He would drop anything and everything if I offer to read to him but he doesn't especially like to read on his own.  He may be lazy but is also willing to follow the pied piper of fun and activity if presented with one.  He loves Legos and always is up for a snuggle.  He is a good brother and both annoys and is adored by his sisters.  His favorite right now would be a Mommy Jonah date to Cava for a pita.  He complains about what is for dinner almost every single night and almost every single night he comes around and eats everything.  He prays for the whole entire world to be happy.  And now he is learning chess, I suspect it won't be long until he finds a way to beat Clark.

Everyone has had moments of greatness this year and everyone has grown and changed.  Mia has overcome some awful challenges this year.  She has faced some incredibly difficult things and has figured it out.  We all still have a long ways to go, and it is always going to be part of life as we all experience, but this year has been pivotal for her and we are so proud of her.  She has grown and matured and it has blessed our family.  She plays the piano almost every day and I am so impressed that even though she hasn't taken lessons in almost 5 years, she has continued to progress and get better.  I love hearing the piano being played.  She loves to read and really really loves her bed.  She is still trying to play field hockey even though everything has been foiled and foiled over and over again this year.  She is a force to be reckoned with.

Hazel has a new idea every week.  She is constantly hatching schemes to start businesses.  She also makes messes in the kitchen constantly as she finds and tries out all sorts of recipes.  She is becoming quite the little chef which I could certainly get used to.  Cooking for a family has broken me.  She is also game for anything and everything.  She always wants to know who, what, where, how, why.  I appreciate that at 12 she is still somewhat naive to the world of teenagers though she has plenty of observation time logged watching her sisters...sometimes they even include her.  Nothing drives her more crazy than everything Jonah does.  But she is smart and self driven.  She has been doing online school since last March and I only have to ask her to get on task every once in a while.  She is organized and intelligent.  She has taken great care of her bird, which can usually be found perched on her shoulder and which has learned to whistle a cat call when someone walks passed her room.  This girl, with her amazing Hazel eyes and freckles, is going places.

Abigail Hope, oh my heart is tender.  As tender as it was the entire year leading up to Haley flying the nest.  Abby has finally decided that she does indeed want to grow up after all and has decided to start at Utah State University this fall.  All of the kids have been so adaptable and have tried so hard to be flexible even though it is not what they want to be doing.  And especially for these kids passing through big milestones, I applaud them and what they are learning and training themselves to do.  Her senior year has definitely not been what she expected but she has her ducks in a row and the important stuff is still important.  She is tough and tender, a little quiet and a little loud and a lot beautiful inside and out.  She already had a notch on her belt for the year that she killed and dressed our Thanksgiving turkey and this year she added, field dress a deer to her list of credentials.  Abby is well rounded.  She is so incredible talented, I am constantly begging her to let it shine.  She took voice for a while and was so good at it.  She still draws and paints on pretty much everything and I am amazed at what she can do, but not surprised.  I will miss her so much when it is time for her to move on to the next thing.

And then there's me...I've been going through a mid life crisis for about three years now.  I spend most of my time trying to figure out the stage of life that everyone is in and how we can all coexist and actually like it.  I have so much fun with my family, it's hard to not take it personally when they actually want to hang out with other people.  Our home is my favorite place to be.  I am trying to figure out what I am good at, besides birthing adorable and amazing human beings.  I tried my hand at sign making for a good year or so.  I sold quite a few but mostly to friends and family who are just lovely.  And when it came down to it last year, I just didn't have the time or bandwidth to devote to it so it has been put aside for the time being.  I love to read books, history or historical fiction is my favorite.  I took up drawing again for a little bit last year when there seemed to be nothing else to stimulate my brain.  I refuse to say that 2020 was awful because it was just as every year, full of good and bad, hard and beautiful.  I feel like the most constant theme was that nothing ever happened.  Anytime we had a plan or even thought about doing something, it fell through.  It's taken us to a whole new level of flexible and that's OK.  In any case, I get dressed in real clothes almost every day, I make my bed and I'm finding renewed focus in the things that have always mattered.  We are doing our best, or at least not giving up and that counts for a lot.

Up to speed and on with life.

My life really feels like very distinct chapters.  Sometimes when I think back to ten years ago, it might as well be someone else's life completely.  The lifestyle was so different, the family dynamic so different, WE were different.  

It's hard to list off what I consider family "traditions".  Traditions are so important to a family unit, to establishing expectations, growth, creating unifying memories together and creating a sense of identity for us as a family and as individuals.  I know we have traditions, but I always wish we had more.  More things that connected that "us" from a long time ago to the "us" now.  I think ultimately thats what I'm getting at here...I don't want those memories to feel so far away.

We have had good times.

This year I was trying to cut back on some of the expenses that have gotten quite large as more people have appeared on the scene and as those people have also gotten bigger with more expensive needs and tastes.  So instead of buying ornaments for the kids this year we made them.  The kids drew names and they made ornaments for each other.  It was a fun family activity.  It's a challenge to find activities that we can all do and enjoy together.  Five to nineteen is quite the spread in ages so when it happens I remember it.

Something that definitely makes me sad is the loss of some of my own family's traditions, things that I loved from growing up that made me feel a part of something and added to my identity.  I don't want to be the generation that breaks these traditions because it is one more step removed from first hand knowledge.  So many of our traditions growing up, particularly around Christmas, were Swedish.  And while Aunt Linda did an amazing job teaching us kids the phonetic pronunciation of the Lucia songs when I was little, there is so much other stuff that I just don't know well enough to pass on.

Unfortunately, even if I did know some of it better, my kids would still not sing and bring breakfast in bed on December 13th.  The best I could get was Haley wearing the sash and crown for a little while.  In their defense, the dresses are all a tad too small...and they don't know how to make a good cinnamon roll.

What, you don't find birds randomly sitting around your house?  They are adorable and sweet until I find bird poop and then I have to yell at someone for how disgusting their birds are.  Also, several months in and the bird dog has not eaten them.  He is actually a little scared of them so, that's a plus.

Despite having a beautiful roomy house that I love, there is a tragic lack of secret hiding spots.  And when you are a type A personality that likes to keep things together and organized, you improvise.  I don't take a lot of baths but I realized that a month and a half around the holidays is too long to go without a nice hot soak in the tub.  Do you think anyone peeked?  I kind of like to build the anticipation for Christmas, make them hurt just a little.

Once again the Larsons accepted our invitation (begging) to come be with us as the last minute for Thanksgiving.  Everything, it seems, has been last minute this year.  And that's OK.  We often didn't know what was going on from one day to the next but it was good that way too.

In fact, I both love and despise these friends because they are solely responsible for Clark's new "hobby" which I'm hoping is more of a phase...(same deer, see the horns? You don't? That's because there's only one.)

Quarantine has been a little bit of a dream come true for me.  You see, as a mother of teenagers I have had to do some major adjustments to be OK with the fact that they like to hang out with friends and go and do stuff.  I, like them here, with me, trapped at home, with nothing to do but bake together, dance around singing, snuggling on the couch with popcorn and a good movie or sitting and staring at each other.  OK, we don't really do all that stuff together as often as I would like.  That's what it looks like in my head and therefore that's what I mourn.  So we struck a deal that they had to give us at least a couple of days during the Christmas break that was family only.  BE WITH US!  And they did.  And I loved it.

 

Christmas was good.  It wasn't anything out of the ordinary or a year to remember with anything big, but it was exactly what I love about it.  It was us and it was good fun.

And it all ended with the most anti-climatic New Years there ever was.  That's not entirely true, we DID stay up until midnight and I DID make super amazing awesome crowns out of brown paper.  We even got out the leftover crepe paper in my office and threw it around like confetti.  We stopped our show two minutes before midnight to watch the most awful, pathetic New Years Eve on Times Square there ever was (think the worst of 2020 in one place-bad politicians, drunk celebrities spouting opinions, the elect elite standing around in inflatable "corrals" on the street, no happy noise and celebrating, no kissing at midnight, weird sparkly masks.)

Anyway, the point is, we had far more fun in our little family room with the people that were there.

I didn't even hate 2020.  It was good and bad like every year.  We grow a little and learn a lot.  I still believe in God.  I love my family more than ever.  I feel like that's a pretty good place to start a new year.